Sometimes Change is Necessary

It’s been a long time since I’ve written and the reason for that is my former Sir and I lost the 24/7 aspect of our D/s relationship. In fact for the last year of our relationship, we didn’t have any aspect of D/s at all. I fought as long as I could and eventually I just had to walk away. Granted, he basically asked me to leave, but he made a choice and that was to put someone else before me. Someone he only knew for a few weeks. It devastated me and I didn’t think I would be able to survive, but I have and I will continue to survive.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I want to keep writing, but I am not sure how I’m going to do that with this blog. I will keep it up for the time being, but I’m not going to be updating. My writing will probably be something different than what any of my followers are used to. Once I make a decision, I will let everyone know and if I start a new blog, I’ll link to it so any who are interested in moving on with me, may do so.

Finally, I want to thank everyone who has commented and followed me. It was a good run and I wouldn’t change anything.


Learning More…

i love how each and every day i learn something new about my submission to Sir. Okay, maybe i shouldn’t say “i love” it because there are times when my submission is extremely difficult and i would like nothing better than to scream at the top of my lungs that i don’t want to do it, but it’s in these times that when i push myself and truly submit, that i get the greatest rewards.

i’ve written in the past about my Sir being bisexual. We both are, but at the moment, i’m just not really interested in women because my focus is really on Him. That’s not to say i couldn’t be, it’s just that my attention is on Him, so i’m not really looking. That’s the not the point here anyway. The point is that Sir is bisexual and when i say bisexual, i mean a true unicorn. He has an equal need and desire for intimacy with both men and women. i’m totally ok with this. In fact, it has afforded us some pretty amazing opportunities in the bedroom and it’s opened our eyes to the possibility of a poly relationship. i’ve been in a poly relationship before and while it had it’s challenges, it was also very rewarding. Now we are in the “trying to figure out what our relationship will look like” stage. There’s a lot of talking about what we’re comfortable with and what scares us as well as what we see as our ideal situation.

i think we both agree that ideally we would like to have a polyfidelitous triad with another bi man. i know that it is a very rare and highly coveted scenario, but i aslo know it’s not impossible and the right guy is out there for us. The whole prospect of “dating is scary for both of us and the challenges with seeking this type of relationship sometimes makes it seem impossible, plus we have needs. More specifically, He has needs. These are needs i cannot meet no matter how much i want to or how hard i try because simply put, i lack the parts.

This leads to the most difficult act of submission i have ever done. Taking 15 hard lashes with his belt was easy compared to this. You see, our sex life is intense and amazing as i’ve written about here on my blog, but i was finding that now matter how amazing the sex was between us, He was always still missing something because there isn’t a man here. God how i wish i had a magic wand or potion or anything to be able to temporarily turn into a man for Him. i would do it in a heartbeat. The point is, our sex life is great, but He still experiences sexual frustration and i hate seeing that. i want to see Him happy, you know? So that’s when i said to Him, “Sir, i know that i’ve said before i don’t know how i would feel about You playing with a guy alone, but since we are having a difficult time connecting with someone to play with together, i think i would be ok with You having an occasional NSA or finding a friend with benefits as long as You always have safe sex and it doesn’t happen in our bed.” (i have this thing about sharing our bed with someone when i’m not there. i don’t believe i’m the only one.) i think He was surprised, and pleasantly so. It was hard for me to say, but i knew that it would ultimately make Him happy. 

The night He arranged for His first “casual” encounter was interesting though because the guy He was chatting with indicated he had a fantasy of being with a m/f couple and agreed that i could be involved. It was because of this that Sir agreed to have him over to our place in spite of my request that He not host for the casual encounters. This is when it went horribly wrong because the guy was really nervous (understandably so since he was a gay man about to explore his first bi fantasy) and he asked Sir if they could just play alone or maybe at least play alone until he was relaxed and then i could join them. i wasn’t happy at all and i wanted to fight. i voiced my displeasure, but knowing how much Sir needed this, i agreed to be “ok” with it and see what happened. 

Sitting in the living room, i got myself pretty worked up, but then it hit me, i was actually in the midst of an ultimate act of submission. By doing what i was doing, i was allowing Sir to experience something that would make him happy and give him a sense of relief from the ridiculous sexual frustration He had built up. This thought process really started to calm me down a bit. Of course, i didn’t like it, but i also don’t like it when he spanks me when i’m bad or when i get put in the corner (not that it’s happened often) or any other act of submission he requests of me. i was invited to join them, which was nice even though the over all experience was done in moments. Simply put, i just felt better knowing i was included and i’ll telly ou something, there is nothing i enjoy more than watching my Sir taking another man. i don’t know what it is, but it’s incredibly sexy to me.

i’m not sure what the entire point of this post is, except that it’s possible to find submission in places that you may not have taken the time to look. i’m not looking forward to the next time i have to be ok with Him leaving me to have some one-on-one time with a guy, but by tapping into my willingness to submit to Him, i know it will get a little bit easier. i’m really hoping we can find someone soon that is either interested in a long-term friends with benefits scenario, or even better find our Mr. Right, because i’d so much rather get to play too! 

When There Are Tough Times

Sometimes it would be easier to just give up when you hit a bump in the road, but where is the reward in that? When things are easy, the pay off isn’t nearly as great and if you give up, you run the risk of missing out on something wonderful had you stuck it out.

The trick is knowing when giving up or sticking it out is the right thing to do. I don’t think it would be surprising to anyone to hear that Sir and I have had our share of struggles. I don’t think there is a single relationship out there that is perfect. Any time you get more than on set of opinions, ideals, or expectations together, there will be conflict. What matters isn’t the fact that conflict exists, but instead what you do with that conflict and whether or not you learn from it.

The best arguments and misunderstandings are the ones that bring you closer together and actually strengthen the bonds and trust you share. Not that any argument is “good” just that arguments can offer something for each partner if they are willing to learn.

It’s interesting to talk about arguing and such in the context of D/s because I think some people believe that if the Dom is in charge, then surely there won’t be a disagreement. I guess that could be the case in some instances, but in reality, a submissive…even one who identifies as a slave…still has free will and he/she can choose whether or not to exercise that will or not.

The point I’m trying to make is, don’t give up. Take some time to calm down and let the initial emotions of the moment subside, then go back and talk rationally about what’s going on. Make the effort and things will work out. It’s all about discussion and compromise. But don’t be afraid to do the what’s right if that means it’s time to move on. Right now, I know in my heart that it’s not time to move on, so I will fight with all that I have. My Sir makes me happy and His love and loyalty to me make me want to serve Him and make him happy. 

He Made me Squirt!

Oh yeah. You read that right. I thought it was a myth and something I would never experience, but man oh man, Sir made me squirt.

A couple nights ago we started off fairly vanilla in our foreplay, but on my request to “make me cry,” Sir flipped His switch into full Dom mode. As I mentioned in a recent post, I have been a brat like you wouldn’t believe. I was so much of a brat that Sir pretty much gave up on our D/s. I take responsibility for that and I needed to purge my feelings of regret. I needed Him to punish me for my bad behavior. I wanted to feel pain at His hand…or belt…pain that cleansed me from the heart-wrenching guilt I harbored. As He always does, Sir delivered and while I didn’t cry, the euphoria that washed over me definitely factored into what came after.

Our relationship has always been about trust and I firmly believe with my whole being that the trust we share is exactly how He was able to bring me completely over the edge. He listens to me. Not just my words, but all of me. He reads my body and my sounds. He knows what turns me on when He does it and even without me speaking a word, He knows to keep doing it. That’s what happened and it was completely by accident that we stumbled onto the one thing that pushes me past the edge.

After throwing me over the edge of the bed and belting my ass hard, He fucked me like he always does. I was so wet and my body was so completely immersed in arousal that He slid in so easily. After a few moments, He commanded me on my back with my ass hanging slightly over the edge of the bed. Taking my ankles in His hands, He spread His arms out which in turn spread my legs wide apart opening me up to Him. Feeling Him press His cock against my swollen pussy was enough to send me sprinting to the edge and He knew that, but He wasn’t ready for me to come yet, so He looked at me with those steely black eyes and said, “Don’t you cum yet.” I barely managed to squeak out, “Yes, Sir.”

Rocking His hips back and forth, He rammed into me, every thrust sending a wave of pleasure through my body. Then it happened. He pulled out just a little to far and instead of sliding into me again, His cock slid up between my lips, gliding across my clit. An instant jolt of pleasure shuddered through me and I could feel my pussy teetering, ready to spasm at any second. After a moment or two, looking up at Him, I begged with my eyes for release to which He obliged and commanded forcefully, “NOW!” My abdomen tightened and my clit throbbed as my pussy contracted in spasms.

Moaning loudly, I lost myself in the sensation of His cock rubbing my clit coupled with the pleasure of my orgasm. I could feel something different this time. A different type of pressure. Instead of being afraid, I rode the wave. I think Sir saw this and He commanded again, “NOW! Cum for me!” And that did it. It was like a small explosion of pleasure erupted from my core. Now I’m not gonna lie and say I gushed all over, but the moment I felt wetness like I’ve never felt before was intense to say the least, but also worrisome. I wasn’t sure what had happened, but when all was said and done after a little investigating, we determined that it happened. I “squirted.”

Fast forward to the next night. Now I was content with what happened. The orgasm was intense and it was my first time ever having more than just a little increased wetness, but Sir wanted to explore whether or not it could happen again or if it was just a fluke. We began much the same as the previous night, except there was no spanking. He positioned me on the edge of the bed again and after fucking me hard for a few minutes, He pulled out and rubbed the head of His cock against my clit. I can’t even explain why this act pushes me to the edge. There really are no words. Needless to say I found myself teetering the bring again. Sir stopped rubbing, stepped back a bit so He could watch and with His steely gaze locked on me, He uttered the command, “NOW!” It was like the ultimate release at my core as spasms rocked my pussy and liquid poured out all over the edge of the bed. Still not gushing, but definitely cumming all over. Sir then finished off by shooting His load all over me and I just lay there in awe.

I didn’t think I would ever squirt. I’m 40 years old and while I’ve not had a lot of partners, I have had a lot of sex with the few partners I’ve had and no one has ever been able to get me even remotely close to this. That being said, I knew from the first night we spent together that if anyone could make me squirt, it would be Sir.

Adventures In Poly

Polyamory is something I’ve dabbled in before. No, dabbled isn’t a good word. You don’t dabble in poly. Not really anyway. But this is the situation. I was married and came out bi to my “then” husband. He agreed to allow me to explore my sexuality and I ended up with a girlfriend. In this dynamic, it was more of a “V” with me at the hinge because my ex and my girlfriend rarely played together and they weren’t bonded in the same way she and I were. There were times I loved it and there were times I hated it.

After I broke up with my first girlfriend, I rebounded pretty hard and quick with another girl. This one was different because we formed more of a triad. The three of us were inseparable and there was an enormous amount of trust between us. If it wasn’t a rebound and my ex and I weren’t on our way out of the marriage, it would have been perfect.

I definitely believe it’s possible to love more than one person fully and completely. I also believe that it’s possible for three people to share with each other that deep love. There are risks, of course, but isn’t that the case with any relationship? You can’t worry about what might happen, otherwise you could miss out on the most amazing thing you’ll ever know. This is why Sir and I are ready to actively seek our third. It’s not without frustration or even a little hesitation, but it’s time for us to find the man who will join us, maybe forever. (Well as forever as you can be in this mortal life.)

So now the search begins. We are a couple and settled with each other, but we’re dating. So many wouldn’t understand this concept. Sometimes I can’t even get my brain around it. How can we be happy together and love each other, but still suffer the heartache of rejection? And who the hell would want to put themselves through it? I guess the bottom line is that nothing that’s really worth it is ever easy.

**Sorry for rambling on and on. I just needed to write something and this is what was on my mind in the moment I clicked “new post.”

The Prodigal Sub Returns

i’ve been a brat to the point that Sir gave up on me. Not our relationship, but my role as His submissive. It breaks my heart to think i was such a pain in the ass that Sir just threw His hands up and walked away from the D/s aspect of our relationship. i will say this much, it had a very negative impact on us. i don’t think either of us realized the wholeness that these roles bring to our lives.

After a lot of talking about a number of things, i asked Him to be my Sir again. i think we are still in a time of consideration, but i can tell you i already feel so much better. i can’t stop being a brat completely. It’s who i am. But, i am fully expecting to be punished for any bratty behavior and the consequences are completely in His hands. You bet your ass i’ll be writing about the first time He blisters my ass for talking back or not doing something i’ve been told to do. i can’t wait. i’m terrified, but i can’t wait.

Thank you to all my readers who have stuck around and waited patiently for my return and welcome to any new readers i have. i welcome comments and positive conversation on my posts. Please, don’t be shy!

Movie Night With Friends

A couple of Saturdays ago, we went to a dinner party/movie night at a dear friend’s house and it was amazing. Because of finances, Sir and I haven’t been able to get out to munches and such, so our social time with our friends has been really minimal over the past few months. Really, everyone has been so busy with life that none of us has even really been talking, so my friend and her Sir decided to host a dinner and movie party. We ate wonderful food, watched Quills, and observed a demonstration of fire play and cupping. This little excursion was really important on so many levels: 1) It got Sir and me out of the house, 2) Sir got to see a movie He had never seen before and I’m pretty sure He liked it, 3) It re-ignited the spark for the play aspect of our relationship.

I wasn’t sure how Sir would enjoy the movie, but because we were watching it with friends who are a part of the lifestyle and “get it,” we had a blast, laughing at the right moments, commenting on aspects to which we related, and even those moments that struck a chord. If you have never seen the movie, I highly recommend it. You’ll feel an array of emotions and in spite of some things that I think may have been done better, the performances are great and it’s good overall. The best part of it all is the quiet look of recognition shared between Sir and me when something is said or done to which we can relate.

After the movie, we saw my friend lit on fire. I know it sounds dangerous and really, in the wrong hands, it is very dangerous, but it’s something that some day, I hope Sir learns and is able to do to me. It’s hard to explain in writing, but essentially my friend’s Sir used two fire wands, both are saturated with 70% alcohol. One is lit on fire and the other is used to swab alcohol to the skin. Once there is a nice trail of alcohol, the other wand is quickly touched to it and it catches fire. It typically burns really fast and the “top” then quickly runs his/her hand over it, just to make sure it’s out and to rub any liquid left behind. It was fascinating to watch and someday, I will experience it. 🙂

The next demonstration was fire cupping. Using the same fire wands, the inside of a small glass cup is swabbed with alcohol and then lit on fire. It is quickly placed on the skin. The heat from the fire creates a vacuum and literally sucks the skin. Definitely something I want to do. (If you do a search for fire cupping, a lot of information comes up about technique as well as the history. It’s really interesting.)

They also demonstrated blood cupping which is a variation on fire cupping. The same technique is used with the fire and the cup. The difference is that a small wound (a simple scratch on the skin) is made and the cup is placed over the wound. The suction caused by the fire cupping draws blood out of the wound. For anyone into blood play, this is a definite must do/see. I’m not sure I will ever try it, but it was really interesting to see.

Just being around our friends, with whom we have this lifestyle in common, brought back a fire that’s been missing for a while. It felt good to serve Him at the party and to sit at his feet while watching the movie. All of this led to an amazing play session the next day that I will share in another post. All I have to say is for the first time I found myself deep in my subspace and oh how I want to go there again!