Learning More…

i love how each and every day i learn something new about my submission to Sir. Okay, maybe i shouldn’t say “i love” it because there are times when my submission is extremely difficult and i would like nothing better than to scream at the top of my lungs that i don’t want to do it, but it’s in these times that when i push myself and truly submit, that i get the greatest rewards.

i’ve written in the past about my Sir being bisexual. We both are, but at the moment, i’m just not really interested in women because my focus is really on Him. That’s not to say i couldn’t be, it’s just that my attention is on Him, so i’m not really looking. That’s the not the point here anyway. The point is that Sir is bisexual and when i say bisexual, i mean a true unicorn. He has an equal need and desire for intimacy with both men and women. i’m totally ok with this. In fact, it has afforded us some pretty amazing opportunities in the bedroom and it’s opened our eyes to the possibility of a poly relationship. i’ve been in a poly relationship before and while it had it’s challenges, it was also very rewarding. Now we are in the “trying to figure out what our relationship will look like” stage. There’s a lot of talking about what we’re comfortable with and what scares us as well as what we see as our ideal situation.

i think we both agree that ideally we would like to have a polyfidelitous triad with another bi man. i know that it is a very rare and highly coveted scenario, but i aslo know it’s not impossible and the right guy is out there for us. The whole prospect of “dating is scary for both of us and the challenges with seeking this type of relationship sometimes makes it seem impossible, plus we have needs. More specifically, He has needs. These are needs i cannot meet no matter how much i want to or how hard i try because simply put, i lack the parts.

This leads to the most difficult act of submission i have ever done. Taking 15 hard lashes with his belt was easy compared to this. You see, our sex life is intense and amazing as i’ve written about here on my blog, but i was finding that now matter how amazing the sex was between us, He was always still missing something because there isn’t a man here. God how i wish i had a magic wand or potion or anything to be able to temporarily turn into a man for Him. i would do it in a heartbeat. The point is, our sex life is great, but He still experiences sexual frustration and i hate seeing that. i want to see Him happy, you know? So that’s when i said to Him, “Sir, i know that i’ve said before i don’t know how i would feel about You playing with a guy alone, but since we are having a difficult time connecting with someone to play with together, i think i would be ok with You having an occasional NSA or finding a friend with benefits as long as You always have safe sex and it doesn’t happen in our bed.” (i have this thing about sharing our bed with someone when i’m not there. i don’t believe i’m the only one.) i think He was surprised, and pleasantly so. It was hard for me to say, but i knew that it would ultimately make Him happy. 

The night He arranged for His first “casual” encounter was interesting though because the guy He was chatting with indicated he had a fantasy of being with a m/f couple and agreed that i could be involved. It was because of this that Sir agreed to have him over to our place in spite of my request that He not host for the casual encounters. This is when it went horribly wrong because the guy was really nervous (understandably so since he was a gay man about to explore his first bi fantasy) and he asked Sir if they could just play alone or maybe at least play alone until he was relaxed and then i could join them. i wasn’t happy at all and i wanted to fight. i voiced my displeasure, but knowing how much Sir needed this, i agreed to be “ok” with it and see what happened. 

Sitting in the living room, i got myself pretty worked up, but then it hit me, i was actually in the midst of an ultimate act of submission. By doing what i was doing, i was allowing Sir to experience something that would make him happy and give him a sense of relief from the ridiculous sexual frustration He had built up. This thought process really started to calm me down a bit. Of course, i didn’t like it, but i also don’t like it when he spanks me when i’m bad or when i get put in the corner (not that it’s happened often) or any other act of submission he requests of me. i was invited to join them, which was nice even though the over all experience was done in moments. Simply put, i just felt better knowing i was included and i’ll telly ou something, there is nothing i enjoy more than watching my Sir taking another man. i don’t know what it is, but it’s incredibly sexy to me.

i’m not sure what the entire point of this post is, except that it’s possible to find submission in places that you may not have taken the time to look. i’m not looking forward to the next time i have to be ok with Him leaving me to have some one-on-one time with a guy, but by tapping into my willingness to submit to Him, i know it will get a little bit easier. i’m really hoping we can find someone soon that is either interested in a long-term friends with benefits scenario, or even better find our Mr. Right, because i’d so much rather get to play too! 

When There Are Tough Times

Sometimes it would be easier to just give up when you hit a bump in the road, but where is the reward in that? When things are easy, the pay off isn’t nearly as great and if you give up, you run the risk of missing out on something wonderful had you stuck it out.

The trick is knowing when giving up or sticking it out is the right thing to do. I don’t think it would be surprising to anyone to hear that Sir and I have had our share of struggles. I don’t think there is a single relationship out there that is perfect. Any time you get more than on set of opinions, ideals, or expectations together, there will be conflict. What matters isn’t the fact that conflict exists, but instead what you do with that conflict and whether or not you learn from it.

The best arguments and misunderstandings are the ones that bring you closer together and actually strengthen the bonds and trust you share. Not that any argument is “good” just that arguments can offer something for each partner if they are willing to learn.

It’s interesting to talk about arguing and such in the context of D/s because I think some people believe that if the Dom is in charge, then surely there won’t be a disagreement. I guess that could be the case in some instances, but in reality, a submissive…even one who identifies as a slave…still has free will and he/she can choose whether or not to exercise that will or not.

The point I’m trying to make is, don’t give up. Take some time to calm down and let the initial emotions of the moment subside, then go back and talk rationally about what’s going on. Make the effort and things will work out. It’s all about discussion and compromise. But don’t be afraid to do the what’s right if that means it’s time to move on. Right now, I know in my heart that it’s not time to move on, so I will fight with all that I have. My Sir makes me happy and His love and loyalty to me make me want to serve Him and make him happy. 

I’m sorry…

Those are words I hate to have to say, but will say them when needed. No one wants to admit to being wrong or letting someone down. I feel like I should apologize to you, my readers, for leaving you in a lurch. I know some of you have grown fond of my writing and out of no where, I just stopped. It’s time to start writing again, not only for you, but also for me. I tend to feel more complete when I spend time writing each day. I also find that when I’m writing, I look for the good things in life to share with y’all.

In all honesty, life has been dull lately, but even in the dullness, there have been little kernels of excitement. I’m going to make it my mission to bring those little moments to you. Even if it’s just a short little blurb…I’m going to share.

Thank you for hanging in there and I promise to do better!

A Little Holiday Cheer

I’ve not been doing much writing as of late. I have a lot of fleeting thoughts that just won’t seem to make the journey from my brain to the page. In addition I’ve found myself busy over the last few days. I have some thoughts for posts in the near future and perhaps that’s what I will do on the days I can’t seem to make my words string together in coherent thoughts…I’ll just post thoughts.

Anyway, this little diddy came as the result of a few of my friends re-writing some classic carols with lyrics befitting of our life style. I call mine “Spanking Wonderland” and it’s to the tune of “Winter Wonderland.” I hope you enjoy it!

Spanking Wonderland

Subbie screams, are you listening
On her skin, sweat is glistening
Maniacal laugh as He whips her ass
Playing in a spanking wonderland

Tie her down to the table
Making sure it’s nice and stable
Watching her squirm as you spank nice and firm
Playing in a spanking wonderland

In the dungeon we can have a party
And we’ll share the fun with all our friends
If you’re kinky and you like to party
Then come and play until the evening ends

Asses red from their spankings
Now we’re done with our playing
It’s time to collapse and finally relax
Playing in a spanking wonderland

Up Go the Walls

For the first time since Sir and i have been together…not just together…since we have become friends, my walls went up. i don’t like it and i’m glad they are back down again. From the time that we started talking online and spending time together in Secondlife, Sir and i have always had a very transparent relationship. We didn’t keep secrets, especially secrets that specifically pertained to us as friends or later as a couple. When our relationship was strictly virtual, we had certain rules in place about the type of information we would share regarding our “real life.” Other than that, there were no secrets and because we held true to that rule, eventually the top secret “real life” information eventually came out on the table too. We became best friends outside of our Secondlife relationship. We knew how to put aside the romantic role play to attend to the “real life” friendship. Some don’t understand and i’m not sure i have to energy to try to explain, but the bottom line is, a year ago, we had no intention of ever being together in “real life.” Clearly that all changed because we are together now, but it’s the foundation of trust that we built all those months ago that allows us to have the kind of relationship we have today.

Because of the immense trust i’ve had with Sir,  i’ve never felt the need to put up walls with Him…until this past weekend. i’ve already talked to Him about it and we’ve worked through the shit that caused the walls to go up, so now i share it with you. The only reason i’m writing about it right now is because He already knows how i feel. He reads my blog and i want that He always hears it straight from me first, not by reading it here.

Let me explain what happened. Most of you know from previous posts that i struggle with depression and severe anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that i have panic attacks and sometimes it can cause agoraphobia. The past month or so has been a difficult one for me. i’m not sure why, but it has. Sir and i work the UT football home games and it’s always fun, but the last two games, prior to this Saturday, i haven’t been able to work because of my anxiety. On Saturday, i was ready to work. i wanted to work and i was excited to work…but i woke up in a bitchy mood. We were supposed to be at the stadium at 7:30 a.m. and got a late start so we were rushed. i didn’t get to take a shower, i didn’t get to have my morning orgasm, and i didn’t get to grab the necessary supplies i would need for the day: ibuprofen, tampons, etc. Oh and perhaps the most important of all…i didn’t get a cup of coffee or food in my belly.

We got to the stadium and all was fine until the tears came…without warning. No reason, i just started crying and couldn’t stop it. It was like someone turned on a faucet that was connected to my tear ducts. Then the cramps started which led to dizziness which led to more tears and so on. How is it i can take a belt across the ass and be fine, but cramps turn me into a whimpering baby? Anyway, i was determined to push through it, but the tears wouldn’t stop, so the anxiety started because i knew my tears would draw unwanted attention to me. Ugh! i was getting pissed, which just made it worse.

Before i knew it, i was sobbing and i had a couple of different people trying to figure out what was wrong. i had been talking to Sir, so He knew what was going on. He knew i was in pain, but was convinced (or rather hoped) i would be ok and be able to work. The thing is, i was a mess. i was crying, crampy, and about to totally lose it. These are all horrible things to have going on when you are working face-to-face with the public. He tried to calm me down and there were a couple of times when i thought all would be well, but then the tears would start again, for no blessed reason other than my fucking hormones were in high gear.

i was given the choice by the supervisor to stay or go home, but Sir and i rode to the game together and if i left, that meant He would have to go too, mostly because i was in no condition to drive. That again made my anxiety peak because Sir loves working the football games and by me having to leave, it disappointed Him because He would be taking me home. i left the decision up to Him. i still don’t fully understand the motivation behind Him deciding we would leave. We talked about it and i know that part of Him did it because He was worried about what everyone would think, but i also know that part of Him understood that He needed to get me home and take care of me.

This is where the walls went up though. Even if He had good intentions by taking me home, His disappointment emanated off of Him and hit me like a ton of bricks. He wouldn’t hold my hand walking back to the car and He seemed to be walking at a rather quick clip. Once we were in the car, He appeared cold and distant, something i’m not used to with Him at all. Now, i’m not telling you this stuff so you can form a negative opinion of Him. He’s a person, just like you and me and He’s allowed to have feelings. It’s just that it was all part of the experience that led to me throwing up walls and not feeling the same connection with Him that i normally feel.

i was desperate to talk to Him and figure out what was going on so we could just get past it, but He wasn’t talking. I asked if He was upset with me and His response, “Well not necessarily with you directly.” Ok, He wasn’t directly upset with me, but He was upset with me because of something i had done. In my mind, that’s the same thing. i tried not to let it bother me. i tried to just let Him have space to process because sometimes He needs this. The only problem is, He never really came back to me about it. i had to approach Him and He was still tentative. I hate not talking and my empathetic nature picks up on subtle nuances, but i’m fairly certain nothing about His demeanor was subtle.

From a D/s standpoint, one might say this was all consequence for my actions, but i didn’t do any of what happened on purpose. i was physically in pain which was causing me mental issues due to my anxiety. i wanted to be there. Hell, half of my frustration was with the fact that i would be missing the game too! i wasn’t trying to get out of something. i wasn’t trying to manipulate anything, but in my mind, i felt like Sir thought that was the case. The fact that He wasn’t talking to me caused me to create a million different scenarios in my mind, some true, some not, but all of this is why the walls went up.

Later that evening when things had cooled a bit, He still wasn’t really talking, but reference was made to about me getting punished for it. (He was joking…i think.) I told Him, “Sir, i didn’t do it on purpose. i wasn’t trying to get out of anything. In fact, one of the reasons my anxiety went into high gear is because i knew i was disappointing You.”

He said, “Well He doesn’t think so.” Of course He meant The Sadist.

Remember, my walls are up and i’m not fully trusting Him right now, so i said, “Well He can go fuck Himself.” Sir just raised an eyebrow at my response and didn’t say anything. i said, “Sir, You’re not talking to me right now. You won’t tell me what You’re thinking, so how am i supposed to trust You or Him.”  i didn’t feel safe. Without knowing what was going on in His brain, i couldn’t feel safe.

Everything about that was awful. i hate that i disappointed Sir. i hate that He was so upset with me. i hate that i wasn’t feeling safe and put walls up as a result. The walls made me react defensively and i was totally bitchy and rude, but it was all a defense mechanism. I hate when this happens.

That night, we went out for a drink and we finally talked. i got some of the crap off my chest and was better able to explain and convey how i was feeling. He admitted to feeling a certain way, but also admitted to after thinking about it He realized His perception may have been a little off. i told Him that while all the D/s stuff is important to my happiness, i also need comfort and reassurance and that i didn’t get either of those during the events earlier in the day. i even told Him that His face looked different. It was somehow colder and harsher and He didn’t look like my Sir. As i explained to Him all of these things, His face softened and i saw the Man i have come to love so deeply return. Tears again…the damn tears came to my eyes and i touched His face, “And there is my Sir again.” i kissed Him and then buried my face in His shoulder as i cried. “Sir, i love You so much and hate it when i disappoint You. i’m so sorry for what happened today.”

He lifted my face and looked me in the eyes, “No need to apologize anymore. It happened. It’s over. And I know that it wasn’t on purpose. Let’s go inside.”

There’s a reason i’m not a slave. Yes, i’m giving myself to Him to use in whatever way pleases Him, but i require that my feelings always be taken into consideration. If i ever feel like i don’t matter, i walk. This past Saturday, there was a small part of me that felt like i didn’t matter and that’s not okay. As Sir’s face softened and i saw the Man i love return to me, the walls started coming down and as the evening progressed, piece by piece, they were no longer there. i could feel my heart warming instead of aching. i sensed His desire to protect me and care for me, not just use me as a piece of property. Sunday saw the further repair as we spent time together and laughing like we usually do.

Last night, we played a little as we went to bed. i was in a frisky mood and i tickled Him, which He didn’t really like. As He grabbed my wrist and looked me in the eye, i felt the familiar rush of warmth flood over my body. i whispered, “Sir, i need You to get rough with me.”

“When,” He asked.

“Not tonight, Sir, i know it’s late, but soon. Please?” i pleasured Him with my mouth and then we fell asleep, the events of Saturday, already well behind us.

My First Blog Award!

I was nominated by BondageGirl for this award and while I was trying to figure out what I was going to do, Kayla Lords also nominated me. Thanks so much for the support. It means a lot to me. 🙂

To accept the award, I have some rules to follow:

  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into ones blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!)

Random Facts:

1. I played softball for 10 years. I was a pitcher and threw a 55 mph fastball.

2. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

3. I want to publish a novel.

4. I suffer from a pretty severe anxiety disorder. I fight it everyday and I’m getting better.

5. I am ambidextrous.

6. I have my tongue pierced.

7. I love reading and writing. These are a couple of the ways I can escape from real life.

8. I love watching football.

9. I moved from California to Texas this year.

10. My favorite movie of all time is Dirty Dancing.

11. I graduated college with a B.A. in Theater and English.

BondageGirl’s Questions:

1. If you could have one super power, what would it be? Why? I want to be able to fly. This would give me the ability to travel where I want, when I want.

2. What is your lucky number? Don’t have one really. My number in softball was 17 and my number in basketball was 50.

3. What is your favorite music — in general? Country

4. What’s your biggest dream? I want to publish a novel or two or three…

5. I know some are said in the ‘About Me’ pages..but why did you start blogging? I’m on a new journey and I wanted to share it with others who may be going through the same thing.

6. What did you study in school? (If anything). Theater, English, Education

7. What is your biggest fear? being alone

8. If you could change anything about your life, what would you change? Why? I don’t think I would change anything just because the things that have happened in my life are what made me who I am today. I sometimes wish I hadn’t jumped into marriage at such a young age…that’s why I’m getting divorced now, but still, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for the experiences I’ve had.

9. Where do you see yourself in five years? I always hate this question in interviews. It’s hard to see myself in 5 years when I’m just trying to get through today.

10. Cake or Pie? I want both!

11. What has changed your life the most within the past twelve months? Moving to Texas to be with my Sir. I was a shut in…never left my house and now I actually like getting out on occasion.

 

Kayla Lords’ Questions

1. How would other people describe you? Loyal, kind, sensitive, talkative, crazy

2. How would you describe yourself? I know I’m loyal, almost to a fault. It’s hard for me to let go of someone I love, even if they’ve hurt me. Family and friends are the most important thing to me and I will do anything to keep them safe. When I love, I love hard. I’m totally crazy and know it, so be prepared!

3. What do you love to do? Watch movies, read, write, cuddle, and I love nothing more than spending a Saturday in bed with Sir.

4. What do you hate to do? My chores, but I love it at the same time because I know that it pleases my Sir, so that makes up for it.

5. What do you dream of doing with your life and are you working towards that dream? I used to want to own and operate a summer camp for kids. Now I’m leaning more along the lines of writing. I want to write novels and short stories and publish them. I know I have a story to tell, so I’m going to tell it. This blog is the first step I’ve taken to work toward my dream.

6. When was the last time you laughed? I laugh everyday with Sir.

7. Who was your first love? I don’t know…it was so long ago.

8. Who do you love now? I love Sir. He’s the man I’ve been looking for all these years. I just didn’t know it until I found Him.

9. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher.

10. Who did you look up to as a child? Who was your hero? My 3rd Grade teacher. I wanted to be a teacher and she was a great one, so that’s the person I looked up to.

11. What turns you on? What’s your kink? (You knew I had to ask – I write about SEX!) Hahaha If you read my blog I think you’ll see my major kink is belt spanking, but I love anything that pushes limits beyond the “normal.” But seriously, a hard smack across the ass gets me wet. Heck even just hearing the buckle on clanking on His belt gets me wet. Sometimes He teases me with that sound, just because He knows what it does to me.

 

The New Questions for My Nominees

1. What is a memory of a time when you laughed until you cried?

2. Who is your favorite author?

3. What is your favorite book?

4. What time of day do you tend to be most creative?

5. Do you drink coffee? If yes, how do you take it?

6. Describe a key moment in your life that you believe helped shape you into the person you are today.

7. Who do you turn to for support? Why?

8. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?

9. What is your idea of a perfect Saturday?

10. Do you have a favorite movie? If so, what is it?

11. What is the hottest sex scene you’ve ever seen in a mainstream movie?

My Nominees

Now I’m supposed to nominate 11 blogs for the award, but since most of the blogs I follow are all part of the same community, I don’t think I have many more to add. Below are four blogs that I thoroughly enjoy and find myself coming to each day to see what’s new. I’ve chosen to follow the blogs I do because I like them though, so in my book, you all are winners!

New Knots in an Old Rope – I love being able to read from a Master’s point of view. Thank You, Sir, for Your blog. 🙂

Little Switch Bitch – Always so much fun to read and I’m getting ideas from her that help on the days when I don’t have any inspiration. Thanks!

Confessions of a Submissive Slut – This one is new to my list, but her poetry is wonderful and the accounts of her experiences resonate with me.

Ever Insatiable – I love reading about her experiences.

I know I’m supposed to choose 11, but that’s nearly impossible to do. For those I’ve nominated, should you choose not to accept the nomination, I totally understand, but at least there’s the possibility of this link bringing you new readers!

The Gentle Dom vs. The Sadist

i wrote a few days back about Sir’s inner-sadist and how we are just beginning to discover His existence and what He desires. It’s a strange journey when a seemingly vanilla person discovers the darkness and decides to explore that darkness. The trick to it all is reconciling the darkness with the light, finding the balance between what our conscience will allow and what those deep desires require to stay happy. This is something that Sir and i both discovered isn’t easily accomplished. The fact that we are in it together helps. In fact, it’s one of the key things i love about our relationship is the fact that no matter what, we are not alone to explore the scary, uncharted territory in our minds.

Our most recent experience has left both of us with a few questions and maybe even concerns about the path we are now on. We know kink is a part of us that we aren’t willing to give up, but to what extent we take that kink is the question. Being able to talk about these things makes it a lot easier though and that is something we have never been afraid to do…talk. When things get too comfortable, we talk about pushing our limits and broadening our comfort zone. When things are uncomfortable to the point of being destructive, we talk about reigning things back a bit and taking smaller steps. Last week, as the inner-sadist made Himself known, we had one of these talks. i was ready to push our play to the next level and with The Sadist peeking out, i thought maybe it was time. i asked Sir and He agreed we could move forward, so Friday night, He bound my ankles and wrists, bent me over the edge of the bed, and took His belt to me, just like we talked about. (How Sir would push me/us was completely up to Him. i only let Him know i was ready to move forward.)

He warmed me up with several lashes on my ass. i expressed an interest in my entire ass ending up bright red and welted from top to bottom. i love wearing His marks and i was ready to work my way up to experiencing His full-power strike. Once my ass was bright red and warmed up, He asked, “Do you think you can take five lashes at full strength.”

i sucked in my breath, knowing it would hurt like hell, “i will try my best, Sir.”

Though i couldn’t see Him, i heard the smile in His voice, “Oh, i know you will, sweet. You always do.” i braced myself and closed my eyes, but tried to breathe to keep the oxygen flowing through my veins. The first strike came down hard on the lowest part of my right cheek. It hurt, but it was endurable. i cried out, but the warmth of the mark washed over me and i felt my tension melting away. The second strike wasn’t as nice. He brought the belt down hard, intending to hit my left cheek in the same way as the right, but missed and it landed on my upper thigh and wrapped around my leg. Excruciating pain coursed through my body and not only did i scream out loud, i cried…no…i sobbed. It was more intense than anything i have ever felt before. i didn’t want Him to stop, but was sure i couldn’t take anymore.

Sir paused when He noticed my sobbing. “Do you want to use the safe word?”

“I don’t want to use the safe word, Sir, but i’m not sure I can handle anymore,” my body bucked as i tried to breath, the tears pouring out of my eyes.

“If you don’t use the safe word, sweet, I will continue.” The Sadist spoke, matter-of-factly, but did nothing. Something kept Him from continuing. Sir would tell me later what that was.

“But, Sir,” my tears fell freely now and i was having a hard time catching my breath. “i’m not prepared to use the safe word, but i’m telling You i may not be able to handle anymore.” In other words i was saying i’m right at my limit for this experiment, but i trust You to make the final decision on whether or not to continue.

He paused for what seemed like an eternity. i was waiting for the belt to come down on my other cheek for lash number 3, but it never did. He put the belt on the bed, and lay over my backside pressing His pelvis into my ass. He hugged me from this position and i whispered, “You’re not even hard anymore. It’s not enjoyable for you anymore.” He didn’t say anything, but rubbed my ass where He hit me.

After a moment, He jerked me up and forced me to my knees, “Get me hard so I can fuck you.” i did as i was told, no questions asked, and wrapped my lips around His flaccid cock, working my tongue around the tip. He moaned out loud and thrust His hips into my face as it grew filling my mouth and the head reaching for the back of my throat. Sliding my mouth up and down the length as it grew, i delighted in my personal act of submission to Him. My ass was on fire and my left leg ached, but none of that mattered. All that mattered to me was pleasing Sir.

i focused on His cock, now fully erect, taking Him deep into my throat, begging to be gagged. He grabbed the back of my head and fulfilled my silent request by shoving His cock as deep as He could. my throat tightened around Him and He pulled out only to do it again and then again. i looked up at Him, prepared to do anything He desired of me, my pussy now dripping wet and ready for Him. He saw the lust in my eyes and raised me to my feet only to push me back over the edge of the bed and fucked me.

After He had His fill, He released my restrained wrists and ankles and took me in His arms and held me tight, caressing my face and playing with my hair. As i resurfaced and my mind actually worked again, i said, “Sir, thank You for stopping. i left the decision up to You and i’m relieved You saw my true limit. Of course i could have taken one more because i would have, if that’s what You chose to do, but i know i would have used the safe word if you had. Thank You for not pushing me to that point.”

He kissed my forehead and said, “I almost didn’t stop. There was a bit of an argument between the Sadist and the Gentle Dom.”

“Well, i’m glad the Gentle Dom won this time.” We just lay there in bed, holding each other and basking in the after glow. My trust for Him growing in leaps and bounds.

i’m not the only one pushing limits and testing boundaries. Sir is too. He’s pushing Himself to see how much control He is willing to give the Sadist and this experience was a defining moment for us. He told me later that The Sadist wanted to keep going. He was enjoying the pain He inflicted, but The Gentle Dom wasn’t prepared to relinquish that control, worried He may never get it back. As the massive bruise bloomed on my thigh, it was even more apparent that didn’t like what He had done to me. The internal struggle between Sadist and Gentle Dom is one of which we have to be mindful. Sir is working just as hard at overcoming fears as i am and i have here for Him as He does. Perhaps i will convince Sir to guest blog about His experience so you, my readers, can see it from His point of view.

The more time that passes, the more i find that in spite of the fact that i didn’t enjoy the excruciating pain in the moment i received it, i want it again. (There’s that dichotomy again.) i don’t crave the pain so much, but after effects of that pain. The endorphin rush, the cleansing from crying, and the marks on my body are all things that appeal to me in such a way that i just can’t explain. i’ve shared this with Sir, so He does know and now we are on a quest to find a way to make it happen. He’s afraid to lose control, at least that’s what He told me, so we look for the tools that will help Him maintain control. The most important thing is that He’s not giving up and i love that about Him.