In my last post i told you all that Sir and i were going to another party and promised to write about it, so here goes. It was really great, just as i thought it would be. Our community here is amazing and so far i’ve only met the nicest of people which makes the socials and parties amazing and so much fun.
Each time Sir and i venture outside our comfort zones, i realize a little more about what our dynamic does for us as people. It’s so much more than wearing a label of D/s or BDSM. It’s how we grow, not only as a couple, but as a total person as well. The last party was the first time we ever witnessed public play of any kind. It was the first time i was in a room with nude people, other than those i was personally involved with or while changing clothes. i was really nervous about that thinking i would be uncomfortable, but i wasn’t. Like so much of the things that others see as weird, it’s just normal to be surrounded by scantily clad (or simply naked) people. Big deal.
This month’s party had no theme, so we didn’t have to dress up in anything particular. The request made was that it look like you were attending a fetish party. That’s a fairly easy task for women because lingerie always works. i, however, didn’t own any lingerie and it was getting down to the wire. Plus, i’m a big girl, so finding lingerie that is flattering and i’m comfortable in, especially to wear in front of other people, isn’t always that easy. Sir took me to one of our local adult shops and we looked for something to wear. Two of my biggest obstacles are my breasts. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to find anything to fit because they are so huge. i don’t suppose i should complain, but it’s really a pain sometimes.
I tried on a couple of things that just wouldn’t work because of my boobs, but we finally found something that could work, so i went into the the changing room one last time and put it on. i hated it, but showed Sir because ultimately it was his decision. i said, “i feel like a sausage and i don’t really like it, but if You do and You want me to wear it, we can get this one.”
He said, “I like it.” And a smile spread across His face.
“You’re not just saying that? You really think i look ok in it?”
“You look amazing. It’s really sexy. I would like for you to wear that.” So He bought it for me and that’s what i wore at the party.
When we got there and checked in at the door, i went straight to the restroom and changed. i felt completely vulnerable and naked and really didn’t want to be wearing that, but He wanted me to, so i did. At first i was glued to Him. i mean literally pressed against His back or front or whatever. i used Him as my “robe.” Then the lights dimmed and i had a couple of drinks as well as a break here and there for a smoke. (This was a true break because we had to go outside to smoke and i had to cover up, so i took a pair of shorts and tank top to throw on over my lingerie. It gave me a moment of not feeling naked.)
Wearing something that literally left me bare was a major boundary for me. i hate my body. i know i’m not the only one and i don’t always hate my body, but the bottom line is, i am not convinced that anyone wants to see my body. (Other than Sir and i do truly believe that He does love everything about me.) i’ve been ridiculed my whole life about my body, so why would i want to put myself out there for others to see me, practically naked? Well first and foremost, i did it because Sir wanted me to. This isn’t about me, it’s about Him. Secondly, i have to remember that everyone has issues with their bodies…even the thin girls. It’s also important to remember that people don’t go to these parties to ridicule folks for how they look, what they wear, etc. It’s an amazing thing to belong to a community that let’s people be who they are.
During the party, i was talking to one of my friends about it. i said, “Part of what’s making this a little easier is i realized i can’t control what people think, no matter where i am. As long as no one says anything, i’m fine and this group…no one is gonna say anything.” She agreed and reassured me that if anyone did say anything…well let’s just say, it wouldn’t be pretty.
Going into this party, Sir and i still weren’t certain we would play, but were definitely open to it. i volunteered to work at the door for an hour so after i was finished, i joined Sir in one of the rooms to watch a scene: two tops marking up a sweet girl who enjoyed every bit of it. After the scene, Sir and i bantered a bit and my inner brat came out. He really wanted me up on the table, but i was still inhibited. Though we were in a semi-private area, a lot of people we left over from the previous scene and i wasn’t ready to put my ass up there for them to see just yet.
The crowd became smaller due to controlled attendance and folks leaving. After some thought and as a result of some “bratty” behavior a little earlier, Sir insisted on spanking me. At this point, i had a couple of drinks (not too much, just enough to loosen up a bit) and He had already taken a wartenberg wheel to my arms, legs, and chest, so my adrenaline was pretty high. We headed up stairs and no one was in one of the semi-private areas, so we went ahead and claimed the space. i was nervous…no terrified, but i knew how much this would please Sir and i also knew i would be happy in the end. (No pun intended…well maybe i fully intended it.)
We still don’t have a large collection of implements, but we have the few we use on a regular basis. Plus, our friends said Sir was welcome to use anything in their bags if He wanted to. i’m grateful He didn’t choose to because most of the toys they have are unfamiliar to me and i would rather experiment with them in private. Sir felt the same way and this, ladies and gentlemen, is why i trust Him and love Him so much. i never spoke those words. He simply knew. For now we simply have a wooden spoon, plastic flexible ruler, small and large paint sticks wrapped in electrical tape, braided nylon rope (which He used as a flogger of sorts), and His belt. Those few items are very enjoyable in the horrible painful sort of way that a masochist loves.
We still don’t play as hard as some, but each time we do play, it gets more intense and we both recognize we are way beyond where we were when we first began last summer. He likes to warm me up with His belt by folding it in half twice. This makes the impact more thuddy and really gets the blood to the surface. i love it and i am saying that honestly. It doesn’t really hurt, but actually feels kinda good. Then He’ll alternate with the ruler, spoon, and smaller paint stick. These items are quite stingy and i don’t like them so much. Sir is looking to “upgrade” the spoon to a larger one. i’m actually kinda nervous about it, but can’t wait at the same time.
i’m not sure how long we played. It might have been 15 or 20 minutes. i totally lose track of time when we play, but that doesn’t matter. All i know is He finished off with His belt. We were going to try 10, but i still wasn’t sure about that, so He suggested He check in with me after 5 or 6 swats to see if i could carry on to 10. (i asked Him how many and He doesn’t remember.) When He brought the belt down for the first one, it took my breath away and i had to ask Him to wait so i could catch my breath. I counted each swat and when He checked in with me, i may have been able to keep going, but i just wasn’t sure. i was feeling very wobbly in the knees and just wanted Him to hold me, so i told Him i didn’t think i could keep going. He didn’t push me, though if He had, i would have given my all. Instead He put down the belt and turned me to face Him. i fell into His chest and cried.
i cried because it felt so good to give myself to Him the way i had. i cried because i knew i had allowed Him to push me far outside of my comfort zone and it felt good. i cried because in that moment, i never felt closer to Him than any other moment so far in our relationship. He stroked my hair and whispered, “That’s my good girl.” i simply cannot express how it feels to hear those words from Him, especially after such a scene. He’s really great about talking to me throughout and kissing me in between whatever He’s doing, but after we are done, it all means so much more and i live for those moments.
i told Him i needed to sit and He joked, “Are you going to be able to sit down?” i smiled, but my knees were going to give, so we moved to a corner and i curled up in His arms. After a few moments He went and got me water. i just lay there on the floor and reveled in the adrenaline that coursed through my body. i was drunk and not because of the drinks i had earlier. The whole experience was intoxicating and nothing like what you can get from drugs or alcohol. When He came back with the water, i sat up and drank. We talked a little bit and when my legs weren’t so wobbly, we joined the rest of the party.
We realized after the fact that i was marking up quite nicely too. We aren’t sure what made the marks because He used a variety of implements, but i left my panties on and He couldn’t see my skin as He hit me, so we guess He was hitting a little harder than normal. i like it and surprisingly, He’s getting used to it. i still don’t think He will ever give me super deep bruises or marks, but this was nice.
i don’t know if anyone was there watching us. i mean, i know that at one point our friends peeked in, as did a few others, but no one stayed around as far as i know. i really don’t care at this point. Part of my issue with public play is that i’m uncomfortable with my body, but i’m working on it…not just in a physical sense, but in my mind as well. i know that even if i lose weight, if i don’t work on my mind’s eye, i will still be uncomfortable with my body. The other part is that Sir and i don’t really do anything overly exciting and we are light weights as far as S&M are concerned. i don’t want to bore people with our scene. i know…it’s ridiculous, but it’s how i feel.
All i know is the party was great and we pushed well beyond some of our soft boundaries and it was amazing! The parties give a chance to socialize with like-minded people and gather new ideas to try. Who knows, maybe one day we will do a scene that everyone is talking about at the next munch. Until then, we just keep doing what we’re doing because we like it and that’s all that matters.