More Boundaries Pushed

In my last post i told you all that Sir and i were going to another party and promised to write about it, so here goes. It was really great, just as i thought it would be. Our community here is amazing and so far i’ve only met the nicest of people which makes the socials and parties amazing and so much fun.

Each time Sir and i venture outside our comfort zones, i realize a little more about what our dynamic does for us as people. It’s so much more than wearing a label of D/s or BDSM. It’s how we grow, not only as a couple, but as a total person as well. The last party was the first time we ever witnessed public play of any kind. It was the first time i was in a room with nude people, other than those i was personally involved with or while changing clothes. i was really nervous about that thinking i would be uncomfortable, but i wasn’t. Like so much of the things that others see as weird, it’s just normal to be surrounded by scantily clad (or simply naked) people. Big deal.

This month’s party had no theme, so we didn’t have to dress up in anything particular. The request made was that it look like you were attending a fetish party. That’s a fairly easy task for women because lingerie always works. i, however, didn’t own any lingerie and it was getting down to the wire. Plus, i’m a big girl, so finding lingerie that is flattering and i’m comfortable in, especially to wear in front of other people, isn’t always that easy. Sir took me to one of our local adult shops and we looked for something to wear. Two of my biggest obstacles are my breasts. Sometimes it’s impossible for me to find anything to fit because they are so huge. i don’t suppose i should complain, but it’s really a pain sometimes.

I tried on a couple of things that just wouldn’t work because of my boobs, but we finally found something that could work, so i went into the the changing room one last time and put it on. i hated it, but showed Sir because ultimately it was his decision. i said, “i feel like a sausage and i don’t really like it, but if You do and You want me to wear it, we can get this one.”

He said, “I like it.” And a smile spread across His face.

“You’re not just saying that? You really think i look ok in it?”

“You look amazing. It’s really sexy. I would like for you to wear that.” So He bought it for me and that’s what i wore at the party.

When we got there and checked in at the door, i went straight to the restroom and changed. i felt completely vulnerable and naked and really didn’t want to be wearing that, but He wanted me to, so i did. At first i was glued to Him. i mean literally pressed against His back or front or whatever. i used Him as my “robe.” Then the lights dimmed and i had a couple of drinks as well as a break here and there for a smoke. (This was a true break because we had to go outside to smoke and i had to cover up, so i took a pair of shorts and tank top to throw on over my lingerie. It gave me a moment of not feeling naked.)

Wearing something that literally left me bare was a major boundary for me. i hate my body. i know i’m not the only one and i don’t always hate my body, but the bottom line is, i am not convinced that anyone wants to see my body. (Other than Sir and i do truly believe that He does love everything about me.) i’ve been ridiculed my whole life about my body, so why would i want to put myself out there for others to see me, practically naked? Well first and foremost, i did it because Sir wanted me to. This isn’t about me, it’s about Him. Secondly, i have to remember that everyone has issues with their bodies…even the thin girls. It’s also important to remember that people don’t go to these parties to ridicule folks for how they look, what they wear, etc. It’s an amazing thing to belong to a community that let’s people be who they are.

During the party, i was talking to one of my friends about it. i said, “Part of what’s making this a little easier is i realized i can’t control what people think, no matter where i am. As long as no one says anything, i’m fine and this group…no one is gonna say anything.” She agreed and reassured me that if anyone did say anything…well let’s just say, it wouldn’t be pretty.

Going into this party, Sir and i still weren’t certain we would play, but were definitely open to it. i volunteered to work at the door for an hour so after i was finished, i joined Sir in one of the rooms to watch a scene: two tops marking up a sweet girl who enjoyed every bit of it. After the scene, Sir and i bantered a bit and my inner brat came out. He really wanted me up on the table, but i was still inhibited. Though we were in a semi-private area, a lot of people we left over from the previous scene and i wasn’t ready to put my ass up there for them to see just yet.

The crowd became smaller due to controlled attendance and folks leaving. After some thought and as a result of some “bratty” behavior a little earlier, Sir insisted on spanking me. At this point, i had a couple of drinks (not too much, just enough to loosen up a bit) and He had already taken a wartenberg wheel to my arms, legs, and chest, so my adrenaline was pretty high. We headed up stairs and no one was in one of the semi-private areas, so we went ahead and claimed the space. i was nervous…no terrified, but i knew how much this would please Sir and i also knew i would be happy in the end. (No pun intended…well maybe i fully intended it.)

We still don’t have a large collection of implements, but we have the few we use on a regular basis. Plus, our friends said Sir was welcome to use anything in their bags if He wanted to. i’m grateful He didn’t choose to because most of the toys they have are unfamiliar to me and i would rather experiment with them in private. Sir felt the same way and this, ladies and gentlemen, is why i trust Him and love Him so much. i never spoke those words. He simply knew. For now we simply have a wooden spoon, plastic flexible ruler, small and large paint sticks wrapped in electrical tape, braided nylon rope (which He used as a flogger of sorts), and His belt. Those few items are very enjoyable in the horrible painful sort of way that a masochist loves.

We still don’t play as hard as some, but each time we do play, it gets more intense and we both recognize we are way beyond where we were when we first began last summer. He likes to warm me up with His belt by folding it in half twice. This makes the impact more thuddy and really gets the blood to the surface. i love it and i am saying that honestly. It doesn’t really hurt, but actually feels kinda good. Then He’ll alternate with the ruler, spoon, and smaller paint stick. These items are quite stingy and i don’t like them so much. Sir is looking to “upgrade” the spoon to a larger one. i’m actually kinda nervous about it, but can’t wait at the same time.

i’m not sure how long we played. It might have been 15 or 20 minutes. i totally lose track of time when we play, but that doesn’t matter. All i know is He finished off with His belt. We were going to try 10, but i still wasn’t sure about that, so He suggested He check in with me after 5 or 6 swats to see if i could carry on to 10. (i asked Him how many and He doesn’t remember.) When He brought the belt down for the first one, it took my breath away and i had to ask Him to wait so i could catch my breath. I counted each swat and when He checked in with me, i may have been able to keep going, but i just wasn’t sure. i was feeling very wobbly in the knees and just wanted Him to hold me, so i told Him i didn’t think i could keep going. He didn’t push me, though if He had, i would have given my all. Instead He put down the belt and turned me to face Him. i fell into His chest and cried.

i cried because it felt so good to give myself to Him the way i had. i cried because i knew i had allowed Him to push me far outside of my comfort zone and it felt good. i cried because in that moment, i never felt closer to Him than any other moment so far in our relationship. He stroked my hair and whispered, “That’s my good girl.” i simply cannot express how it feels to hear those words from Him, especially after such a scene. He’s really great about talking to me throughout and kissing me in between whatever He’s doing, but after we are done, it all means so much more and i live for those moments.

i told Him i needed to sit and He joked, “Are you going to be able to sit down?” i smiled, but my knees were going to give, so we moved to a corner and i curled up in His arms. After a few moments He went and got me water. i just lay there on the floor and reveled in the adrenaline that coursed through my body. i was drunk and not because of the drinks i had earlier. The whole experience was intoxicating and nothing like what you can get from drugs or alcohol. When He came back with the water, i sat up and drank. We talked a little bit and when my legs weren’t so wobbly, we joined the rest of the party.

We realized after the fact that i was marking up quite nicely too. We aren’t sure what made the marks because He used a variety of implements, but i left my panties on and He couldn’t see my skin as He hit me, so we guess He was hitting a little harder than normal. i like it and surprisingly, He’s getting used to it. i still don’t think He will ever give me super deep bruises or marks, but this was nice.

My bruised ass courtesy of Sir.

My bruised ass courtesy of Sir.

i don’t know if anyone was there watching us. i mean, i know that at one point our friends peeked in, as did a few others, but no one stayed around as far as i know. i really don’t care at this point. Part of my issue with public play is that i’m uncomfortable with my body, but i’m working on it…not just in a physical sense, but in my mind as well. i know that even if i lose weight, if i don’t work on my mind’s eye, i will still be uncomfortable with my body. The other part is that Sir and i don’t really do anything overly exciting and we are light weights as far as S&M are concerned. i don’t want to bore people with our scene. i know…it’s ridiculous, but it’s how i feel.

All i know is the party was great and we pushed well beyond some of our soft boundaries and it was amazing! The parties give a chance to socialize with like-minded people and gather new ideas to try. Who knows, maybe one day we will do a scene that everyone is talking about at the next munch. Until then, we just keep doing what we’re doing because we like it and that’s all that matters.

Getting a Job…

I have to admit, the idea of having a job outside the home is frightening. The sad thing is, it’s become a necessity. I’ve worked before, so it’s not that I don’t think I can do it. I know I can do it. I just hate how I feel at the end of a work day and how exhausted I am from having to cope with anxiety all through the day. I know I’m a different person when I have a job and I worry that I won’t be able to care for Sir the way I have been.

On the other hand, I know having a job will help Sir tremendously and we will just have to work as a team to determine new expectations and perhaps incorporate a few new rituals to make my transition to working a little easier.

I don’t want to work and Sir knows this, but I’m at a time and place where I need to work, so I will. It’s part-time for now and that’s good. It will be ok and I will be ok because I have someone who is here to support me and remind me why I’m doing it. Just wanted to share a little of what’s going on in my head. I could go into more detail, but I’m out of time, so maybe that will come later. I can explain what about working is so difficult for me.

Oh…and we are going to another party tomorrow night! YAY!!! I don’t think we will play just yet, but you never know what will happen.

Wax Play

inspired by The Bedroom Submissive

A fellow blogger posted about wax play and I commented on her post and promised to post a picture.20130126_235229This was the final piece to a play session Sir planned out for me and we discovered that when done tenderly without the intent to inflict pain, it can almost serve as aftercare because it’s so relaxing for me. Since it was our first time, we talked about it at length after and I explained that with the white as a base, everything was very warm, but relaxing like a massage, almost. There were parts that stung, like where the purple and red dripped directly on my skin. Wax is versatile, and can be used for pleasure or pain. My recommendation is that anyone playing with wax always have some sort of covering on the floor or bed to catch drippage and also have cold water readily available just in case the wax is too hot to handle.

Negotiations

According to dictionary.com, one of the definitions of “negotiate” is “to deal or bargain with another or others, as in the preparation of a treaty or contract or in preliminaries to a business deal.” It’s a term that is mentioned over and over in the lifestyle and it’s always recommended that one doesn’t engage in play or any other aspect of a BDSM relationship without first negotiating the terms of the interaction including, but not limited to limits, safe words, desires, and overall expectations for the interaction.

I have always known and understood the importance of negotiating a scene, but I never considered the importance of negotiation within a relationship. What I mean by this is when you are in a long term, romantic relationship with someone, how does negotiation fit in? Sure there are plenty of 24/7 relationships out there with a Total Power Exchange (TPE), and I do believe that those would require negotiation, even if it is for the submissive to completely relinquish all rights. Sir and I don’t have a TPE relationship. To some it may appear that way, but on the bottom line, I always have a say in everything that happens. I have the right to think for myself and act for myself. Sometimes, what I say or do can come back and bite me in the ass, but I do have a right to my feelings, my thoughts, and many of the other things given up in a TPE.

Every since I moved in with Sir, we have been trying to figure out our dynamic. What we have is definitely more than just a bedroom BDSM relationship and we consider ourselves living it 24/7, but in the day-to-day aspect of our relationship, we are definitely more of 1950s Household/Domestic Discipline than anything else. His role is to help me become a better me and my role is one of support to Him. (It’s sometimes a pain to put into words what I’m thinking and this is one of those times.) I started doing research about different Domestic Discipline dynamics out there and came across a couple of blogs that have been really helpful: A Domestic Discipline Society and Learning Domestic Discipline.

Both blogs gave me a few talking points for a conversation with Sir about our dynamic and that’s how it began. We were meant to sit down and have this discussion back in August, shortly after I moved in, but it never happened. Basically, the idea is that the rules of the DD household come from my goals. It’s important to start off small, but ultimately, my goals shape the way the rules look and Sir then decides on the discipline aspect.

We finally sat down this past week and talked about our relationship. The idea is that I have my personal goals and responsibilities to which Sir holds me accountable. In holding me accountable, He does His best to be a good example, so He is held accountable to His own goals and responsibilities. In the big picture, it’s just a giant circle and as long as we both are doing out part, we will always encourage the other. (It made sense in my head. I hope it makes sense to you.) We still have a few more things to discuss, but we did get a good start.

I was planning to upload a picture of the actual document, but keep getting an error message, so I’m just gonna have to type it. Sir wrote the list as we talked, I didn’t do much talking. He pretty much made the list from memory. The whole experience made me truly appreciate the fact that He listens to every word I say.

My Goals

  1. Blog/Journal at least 3 days a week.
  2. Develop character sketches for 2 major characters for book by 2/28.
  3. Develop ideas for “products.”
  4. Research start up costs for products.

The first one is an ongoing one that will most likely remain on my list because I need the constant reminder there. The other three have deadlines and when we reach the deadline, there will be new ones added. I want to write a book as well as start a business crafting toys and implements and stuff to sell. I’m creative, innovative, and love making things with my hands. I figured I could turn that into a business making good quality items for others in the lifestyle to enjoy. 🙂

My Daily Chores

  1. Make the bed, hiding all evidence of the mad sex romp that likely took place just before exiting the bed. (This is exactly what Sir wrote. I’m not joking.)
  2. Dishes after each meal.
  3. Keep the dining room table cleared and clutter free.
  4. Prepare meals

These are the “givens.” I like having them on paper because it’s a reminder and the fact that Sir wrote them down makes them His orders to me.

Weekly Tasks

  1. Vacuum
  2. Clean bathroom (ick…my least favorite of all the chores)
  3. Sweep and mop kitchen
  4. Laundry to include all ironing of Sir’s work clothes

This is pretty much what we have accomplished. I’ve lived with Him since August last year and only now have things on paper, but it’s a start and we plan on sitting down every month to revisit things. As for discipline, we both agree that His belt is the primary form of punishment, but we also discussed the use of other types of punishment as well as implementing a reward system. Never, in a million years, did I think I would be in a relationship like this, but there’s something to be said about getting the expectations out there and in the open. Spankings and such aside, a lot of vanilla relationships could probably be saved if people were more up front about their expectations in a relationship, but everyone’s always too afraid to speak up. It’s one of the reasons I love BDSM: You’re expected to speak up.

I’m not sure if I will be sharing every addendum to the negotiation, but once we develop the Discipline Agreement, I’ll share with you.

As for when we play, in the bedroom, we negotiate the particulars of each individual scene as they occur. We have safe words and I help choose the implements and such, but Sir gets to decide how He will use them. 😉 We are constantly discussing limits and always debrief a scene after the fact. I couldn’t ask for a better person with whom to share my life and I couldn’t ask for a better person with whom to explore my sexuality.