There are times on this journey that i feel a little like Alice in Wonderland navigating a strange new world with twists and turns revealing the most amazing, exciting, and terrifying things as i round each corner. In some cases i am completely aroused and eager to experience everything i can while at other times i feel lost and a lot like the scared little girl outside of her comfort zone. Sir makes it easier and the circumstances under which i’m frightened don’t occur often and when they do, they don’t last long at all. For the most part it’s a learning experience and i’m amazed at what i’m learning about the world around me but, most of all, myself.
Every day i discover that many of my so-called hard limits aren’t really all that hard and with the right person i trust completely, i am willing to explore those limits and see if they truly are things i don’t want to, or maybe more specifically “can’t” do. Sometimes Sir looks at me like i’m crazy when i tell Him that i’m willing to try something at least once. I’ll say, “Get me in the right space and i will do anything for you. If it pleases you, i want to try it at least once.” Only a submissive person would really understand that and the more He and i explore, the more i realize that my purpose – my goal – is to serve Him, please Him and only Him. As He learns about new things He likes or wants to try, i work hard to put myself in a head space that allows for me to make the effort for Him. Not many people would be able to get me to do that, but He does.
A big part of exploration started through attending munches and for anyone new to the scene, i highly recommend finding a munch in your area. We have made some amazing friends and i specifically have formed my core group of friends from women i’ve met online and then at the munch. We also went to our first play party last week. Neither of us knew what to expect, but our friends were there, it was a laid back environment, and for the first time since we have been together, we were able to be “us” without hiding anything. Sir bought me a collar (nothing fancy, just something from a pet store) and one of my friends let Him borrow a leash. I served Him through the evening getting His drinks and food. I held His plate and at one point, He ordered me to my knees where I held the plate for Him. I loved it and I’m pretty sure He did too.
I was nervous about seeing “public” play, but before the night was over, Sir was eager to spank me while others watched, but we agreed we would save it for another time. We discovered that watching others play wasn’t scary at all. In fact, it was a total turn on. I’m fairly certain we will be doing our first scene at a future play party because we love the time we share together and the idea of doing that in front of a crowd…it’s intoxicating.
When imagining what our future holds, i can’t help but remember where we’ve come from. When Sir and i first got together, He voiced His concern with collars and leashes…and we weren’t even together in real life yet. (The first year of our relationship was in an online, virtual setting.) He originally felt they are demeaning and He has too much respect for a woman to put her in a demeaning situation. i explained that, for me, wearing a collar isn’t humiliating, it’s a symbol that someone loves me enough to want to make it known to everyone that i have submitted to Him and by wearing it, i am able to show my pride in my role of that submission. Even after agreeing that He could put a collar on me (as long as it looks like a necklace), He said He would probably never put me on a leash. After spending an evening in a virtual BDSM club, i explained that the leash is would have been perfect in that setting because it’s a symbol that i belong to Him and that He is protecting me. Now, we are together in real life and went to a party…in real life…He put a collar on me and a leash because: 1) He understands now that i am proud to wear His collar, not humiliated and 2) It’s an easy way for us to tell everyone else at the party i belong to Him.
Though i was nervous about going to a party, i was excited about the idea from the moment i heard about them, but i was pretty certain He wouldn’t be interested. i never pushed the issue, just went with the flow and as we learn more about ourselves and each other, we realize the only way to gain more knowledge is to see others play. Watching others is a great way to learn something new and a party is a great way, not only to socialize with like-minded people, but also to see what others are doing and learn some new techniques in the process. We both agreed that going to a party would be a great social experience and we could learn, but it didn’t mean we had to play in public ever. i never in a million years thought He would consider playing in public, but now, i know for certain we will. My ass will be beat by His belt while others watch and that’s just plain hot!
I wonder how much deeper this goes and when it stops or if it will stop. We push ourselves on a regular basis to find something new we want to try or at least see. One thing’s for certain, the longer i find myself in this strange new world, the more i realize it’s where i belong and i never want to go back. While there are some scary characters in “Wonderland,” for the most part, the inhabitants are very much the types of people i wish to be friends with. They are helpful and kind even if we are all a little mad, you know?