He Made Me Melt into His Arms

Sir and i haven’t been playing as much over the past couple of months. i’m pretty sure that’s why i haven’t been writing. Don’t get me wrong, we have sex and a lot of it, but the energy required to “play” isn’t always there. i think it’s a big part of why i’ve been feeling down and not getting back into my groove. i think it’s a part of why i felt myself losing the drive to do everything i can to make Him happy. Don’t get me wrong. i want to make Him happy in everything i do, but there is something so intoxicating about Him giving me an order and me following it…and if i don’t…consequences.

i know life gets in the way and that’s more important, but my submission has become such a part of me at my core that when any part of it is lacking, i feel off. Of course i communicate this to Sir and when He can, He takes a moment to spank me even if it’s only a few swats and not all that hard. i’ve asked Him to hold me accountable, not only to His orders, but to any promises i make to Him. I write Him an email everyday in the morning and in that email i tell Him what i will get accomplished. Sometimes it’s simply repeating what He’s told me to do and other times it’s my own list because He didn’t have time to give me one. i asked Him to discipline me when i don’t do everything on the list and don’t have a good reason for it. Usually, He does, but not always.

i mentioned in my last post that we went to a play party and i’m so glad we did. It’s helped us find our groove again. Though we might not play during the week, we have settled into a routine for weekend play and since i’m a light masochist, we can usually play several times during the weekend.

Last weekend was great. Sir tried a few new things and He’s becoming more comfortable with His sadistic side and trying new techniques. This is both exciting and terrifying, but the end result is always so amazing. Last night…Oh my gawd, Last night He made me feel something i’ve never felt before. For the first time, i was limp. After He was finished and He took me in His arms, i fell into Him, weak in the knees, and unable to hold myself up. i melted into Him, completely and totally relaxed, but let me tell you how He got me there.

i knew He needed to play as much as i did. i need to be able to give myself to Him to do as He pleases and last night, after a long, hard day at work, He needed to inflict pain. It worked out perfectly because i also needed to feel pain. After dinner, we went to our room and lay talking for a bit. Then He stood up, took my collar in His hand and motioned for me to come to Him. My heart skipped because i knew what this meant. i moved to the edge of the bed and He put it on me then bound my hands and legs. My heart pounded in my chest with an odd mixture of arousal and fear. He said, “I wish we had more toys, I’m in the mood to play with something else.” (Still being new and not having a lot of money, we don’t have many implements, but we are looking to find inexpensive alternatives or homemade items.)

He helped me to my feet and guided me to the wall. i stood facing the wall and pressed my arms against it, sticking my ass out for Him. He started slow smacking my ass with His belt, softly at first, gradually increasing intensity and frequency. Since i can’t see Him, i’m not 100% sure what He does, but when He finds His groove, it’s like He’s flipping it around and around causing it to hit me in rapid succession almost like what we’ve seen done with a flogger. It’s a really great technique and though it stings a lot at first, as my skin warms up, it feels really nice.

After my ass appeared nice and red, He pressed His hard cock against me and whispered, “You feel what this is doing to me, sweet? If you’re a good girl, that will be your reward. You’ll get my cock when I’m through.” i couldn’t help it, a moan crept from my throat. He turned me around and kissed me hard, then ordered me to my knees. At this point, He removed my bindings and i lowered myself in front of Him and proceeded to take Him in my mouth. When He had His fill, He helped me up and whispered, “You do know I’m not done spanking you, right? We’re just getting warmed up, sweet.”

My heart pounded in my chest. This is when i feel the conflict of fear and dread with complete and total arousal. He pressed me against the wall again and continued my spanking. After a few lashes with His belt, He got the wooden spoon (it’s an evil implement) and smacked my ass, “I want you to count. I’m going to hit you 5 times.”

i felt the spoon come down hard on my ass. “One!” Then again, on the other cheek. “Two!” And again, “Three! Fuck that hurts!” It was a bit much, but of course i didn’t want Him to stop completely. I just wanted to catch my breath. “Yellow!”

He chuckled. “You called yellow? What’s wrong?”

“i just need to get my bearings. Catch my breath a minute.”

“Ok,” he chuckled again. After a few seconds passed, “Are you ready to continue?”

“Yes, Sir. Can I start at four or do we have to start all over?”

i can just picture the evil grin as He said, “Oh you called Yellow. We start from one.”

“But Sir. i shouldn’t be punished…” and the spoon came down on my ass, “One! for using my safeword.” Then it comes down again, harder this time. “2! Isn’t this about…” and again, “3! being safe and shouldn’t i be encour…” and again, “4! …aged to use my safeword?” And with that, He brought the spoon down on my ass one final time, harder than the first five, “5!”

Leaning in, He whispers, “very good, sweet. That’s my good girl.” Fuck, those words. They get me every time. i would do just about anything for Him so long as He tells me i’m a good girl. “I’m still not through. You still get your belt spanking.” As He spoke softly to me, He rubbed His hands over my ass, soothing where He had just spanked. “You’re ass is glowing red, sweet.”

My red ass, courtesy of Sir.

My red ass, courtesy of Sir.

“Does that please You, Sir?”

“Oh yes, it does.” i heard the buckle clanging as He picked up His belt and i knew it was almost time. Part of me dreads the belt, but another part of me loves it. i love the warmth after the sting. i love how i get accustomed to the sting when warmed up. i love that it makes Him hard when He spanks me. i love giving myself to Him in a way that no other woman has done before me. “A few more warm ups and then for the main event.” Have i mentioned i love His new technique for warming me up with His belt? Just hard enough to sting, but really it’s about getting the blood to the surface and literally warming it up.

Soon it didn’t even feel like He was spanking me. “Harder, Sir.” The Sadist let out an evil laugh as He brought the belt down harder. My heart pounded and i thrust my ass out meeting each lash. It actually felt good.

“Are you ready?”

“i’m not sure, Sir. i think so.” i really don’t like it when He asks that because i don’t think i’m ever really ready.

“Count for me.”

“How many can i expect?” i like to know just because it gives me something to focus on. If i know the end is near, i can push through.

“I have a number in mind. Would you like to guess?” As we talked, He kept rubbing my ass and smacking it occasionally to keep it warm.

“Ten?”

His dark eyes lit up. “No, not that many, but if you think you can take that many…”

“No, i don’t think i can. six?”

“More than that.”

“Eight?”

“Lower.”

“Why seven?”

“I don’t know, it just seems like a good number. Are you ready?”

“Yes, Sir.” i turned back to the wall, took a deep breath and prepared for my spanking.

“Don’t forget to count.” And with that, He brought the belt down hard on my ass.

“One!” Each time the belt came down on my ass, it was progressively harder than the last time. By the time He reached six, they hurt, but almost felt good at the same time. When i called out, “Seven!” i felt like i could keep going, but as He dropped the belt and reached out, taking me in His arms, i literally collapsed into Him. The feeling of release and the endorphin high was so incredible, i was weak in the knees. He just held me. This was, to date, the most intense spanking He’s ever given me and i could feel it, yet i didn’t cry. I was, however, jelly in His arms. “Can i have your cock now? Did i earn it?”

He laughed softly, kissed my forehead, “Yes, sweet, but first i want to hold my good girl.”

“Can we please move to the bed and sit down?” With that, we moved to the bed and i sat with His arms around me holding me tight. Nothing else mattered in the world except that i was there with Him in that moment. The world could crumble around us and i wouldn’t even know.

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Just How Far Does the Rabbit Hole Go?

There are times on this journey that i feel a little like Alice in Wonderland navigating a strange new world with twists and turns revealing the most amazing, exciting, and terrifying things as i round each corner. In some cases i am completely aroused and eager to experience everything i can while at other times i feel lost and a lot like the scared little girl outside of her comfort zone. Sir makes it easier and the circumstances under which i’m frightened don’t occur often and when they do, they don’t last long at all. For the most part it’s a learning experience and i’m amazed at what i’m learning about the world around me but, most of all, myself.

Every day i discover that many of my so-called hard limits aren’t really all that hard and with the right person i trust completely, i am willing to explore those limits and see if they truly are things i don’t want to, or maybe more specifically “can’t” do. Sometimes Sir looks at me like i’m crazy when i tell Him that i’m willing to try something at least once. I’ll say, “Get me in the right space and i will do anything for you. If it pleases you, i want to try it at least once.” Only a submissive person would really understand that and the more He and i explore, the more i realize that my purpose – my goal – is to serve Him, please Him and only Him. As He learns about new things He likes or wants to try, i work hard to put myself in a head space that allows for me to make the effort for Him. Not many people would be able to get me to do that, but He does.

A big part of exploration started through attending munches and for anyone new to the scene, i highly recommend finding a munch in your area. We have made some amazing friends and i specifically have formed my core group of friends from women i’ve met online and then at the munch. We also went to our first play party last week. Neither of us knew what to expect, but our friends were there, it was a laid back environment, and for the first time since we have been together, we were able to be “us” without hiding anything. Sir bought me a collar (nothing fancy, just something from a pet store) and one of my friends let Him borrow a leash. I served Him through the evening getting His drinks and food. I held His plate and at one point, He ordered me to my knees where I held the plate for Him. I loved it and I’m pretty sure He did too.

I was nervous about seeing “public” play, but before the night was over, Sir was eager to spank me while others watched, but we agreed we would save it for another time. We discovered that watching others play wasn’t scary at all. In fact, it was a total turn on. I’m fairly certain we will be doing our first scene at a future play party because we love the time we share together and the idea of doing that in front of a crowd…it’s intoxicating.

When imagining what our future holds, i can’t help but remember where we’ve come from. When Sir and i first got together, He voiced His concern with collars and leashes…and we weren’t even together in real life yet. (The first year of our relationship was in an online, virtual setting.) He originally felt they are demeaning and He has too much respect for a woman to put her in a demeaning situation.  i explained that, for me, wearing a collar isn’t humiliating, it’s a symbol that someone loves me enough to want to make it known to everyone that i have submitted to Him and by wearing it, i am able to show my pride in my role of that submission. Even after agreeing that He could put a collar on me (as long as it looks like a necklace), He said He would probably never put me on a leash.  After spending an evening in a virtual BDSM club, i explained  that the leash is would have been perfect in that setting because it’s a symbol that i belong to Him and that He is protecting me.  Now, we are together in real life and went to a party…in real life…He put a collar on me and a leash because: 1) He understands now that i am proud to wear His collar, not humiliated and 2) It’s an easy way for us to tell everyone else at the party i belong to Him.

Though i was nervous about going to a party, i was excited about the idea from the moment i heard about them, but i was pretty certain He wouldn’t be interested. i never pushed the issue, just went with the flow and as we learn more about ourselves and each other, we realize the only way to gain more knowledge is to see others play. Watching others is a great way to learn something new and a party is a great way, not only to socialize with like-minded people, but also to see what others are doing and learn some new techniques in the process. We both agreed that going to a party would be a great social experience and we could learn, but it didn’t mean we had to play in public ever. i never in a million years thought He would consider playing in public, but now, i know for certain we will. My ass will be beat by His belt while others watch and that’s just plain hot!

I wonder how much deeper this goes and when it stops or if it will stop. We push ourselves on a regular basis to find something new we want to try or at least see. One thing’s for certain, the longer i find myself in this strange new world, the more i realize it’s where i belong and i never want to go back. While there are some scary characters in “Wonderland,” for the most part, the inhabitants are very much the types of people i wish to be friends with. They are helpful and kind even if we are all a little mad, you know?

I’m Back…I Think

I know it has been far too long since I’ve posted anything. Hell, it’s been far too long since I’ve written anything at all. I was going through a slump and then I got really sick with a sinus infection and with the holidays, writing just wasn’t a priority. Now that I’m back, both mentally and physically, I should be writing more and thus posting more.

The holidays were good. Sir took me with Him to Buffalo to meet His family. Of course they don’t know about our dynamic, but I am His girlfriend and it was either go with Him or be home alone since my family is too far away. I think He wanted His family to meet me anyway, otherwise He wouldn’t have wanted to take me and that makes me smile. It was a fairly typical family Christmas and we had a lot of fun while there.

Of course, it is Buffalo, NY, and we all know it is cold there during the winter. It snowed a little Christmas Eve and there was already a little snow on the ground, so I had my first legitimate white Christmas. The day after Christmas was when it came down hard. A winter storm came through in the afternoon and dumped so much snow on the ground. Now I will say this: I am not a fan of living where it snows a lot, but it was absolutely beautiful and if I hadn’t been so damn sick with a sinus infection, I might have actually really enjoyed it.

I don’t know. The holidays were the holidays. His family is really great. I think they like me, but of course I don’t think they would ever treat me poorly to my face. He seems to think they like me, though His mom did have a chance to give Him a 3rd degree questioning about me and she asked Him a bunch of questions about what I do for a living, etc…etc. He couldn’t very well tell her, “Mom, she is my house sub and takes care of the house and me…in all ways.” Of course, Sir and I do talk about me getting a job quite frequently. It always scares me though because I know how I am when I work and it will affect my ability to serve Him.

Anyway, I know this is probably a little disjointed, but I realized I needed to get something up here soon and I need to get back in the habit of writing. Tomorrow I think I might talk about New Year’s Resolutions…or the lack thereof.