I Hate Days Like These

I didn’t want to get up this morning. When Sir’s alarm went off, He nudged me and told me to get up and get the coffee going and start breakfast. I didn’t move. When He was through with His shower, He came in and tried waking me again. I didn’t want to get out of bed. He pulled the covers down and I grabbed them and pulled them back up. This continued a bit and finally when He got the blankets down again, He smacked my ass with His bare hand. I just grabbed the blanket and pulled it back up again.

This is when He went to get His belt. I didn’t care. I didn’t want to get out of bed and nothing He did was going to make me. He said, “You will get out of bed because I want you to and there are two reasons I want you to. 1) I want to spend time with you this morning before I leave for work and 2) In order to fulfill your role in this relationship, you will get up and get the coffee started and make breakfast.” With that, He ripped the blanket off me and threw it across the room. I got spanked with His belt. Not hard, but hard enough that He made His point.

I crawled out of bed and went to the kitchen and started the coffee and breakfast. Sir came in and touched my shoulder, “Hey. Help me understand  your body language right now. Is this you being cranky because you didn’t want to get up or are you angry with me?”

“I’m not mad at you,” I said and kept rinsing the coffee pot.

He reached out and took my arm, pulled me into His chest, and held me tight. “Don’t sound so convincing.”

“Really, I’m not upset with you.” I tried to smile.

For the most part, it was quiet while I made breakfast and we ate. We did our morning Advent devotion and went outside to have a cup of coffee on the balcony before He left. “Sir, I’m really not angry with you. I just didn’t want to get up. It wouldn’t be fair for me to be angry with you for fulfilling the role I asked you take in my life, but remember, sometimes I may act like a child. It’s just who I am. I will always love you, even when I’m being a brat or screaming ‘I HATE YOU’ the way a kid might do with her parents. It’s ok to keep checking in with me, but today I wasn’t angry with you. I just wanted to stay in bed. Thing is, if you had let me sleep, I probably would have gotten mad too, so it’s just my mood today.”

He smiled and accepted my explanation. I walked Him to the door and kissed Him goodbye. I just wish my day would have gotten better…

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A Little Holiday Cheer

I’ve not been doing much writing as of late. I have a lot of fleeting thoughts that just won’t seem to make the journey from my brain to the page. In addition I’ve found myself busy over the last few days. I have some thoughts for posts in the near future and perhaps that’s what I will do on the days I can’t seem to make my words string together in coherent thoughts…I’ll just post thoughts.

Anyway, this little diddy came as the result of a few of my friends re-writing some classic carols with lyrics befitting of our life style. I call mine “Spanking Wonderland” and it’s to the tune of “Winter Wonderland.” I hope you enjoy it!

Spanking Wonderland

Subbie screams, are you listening
On her skin, sweat is glistening
Maniacal laugh as He whips her ass
Playing in a spanking wonderland

Tie her down to the table
Making sure it’s nice and stable
Watching her squirm as you spank nice and firm
Playing in a spanking wonderland

In the dungeon we can have a party
And we’ll share the fun with all our friends
If you’re kinky and you like to party
Then come and play until the evening ends

Asses red from their spankings
Now we’re done with our playing
It’s time to collapse and finally relax
Playing in a spanking wonderland

I was a Brat and He Took Me Out to Dinner?

Last week I was in a particularly bratty mood. Maybe it was hormonal or maybe it was just my middle acting out for attention or maybe it was a little of both. All I know is I was pushing Him and I pushed pretty hard.

One night after we had gone to bed, we lay there cuddling and I nipped at His neck. At first He simply said, “No biting,” in that firm, I’m-in-charge-here tone. His words didn’t matter because I wanted what I wanted, so nipped at Him again. This time He popped my mouth as He repeated, “I said, no biting.”

“But why, Sir? I like biting you.”

“I know you do, but not right now.”

Immediately I stuck my out bottom lip and pouted, but that was short-lived. A sneaky grin spread across my lips and I bit at Him again.

“Do you really wanna push me, sweet?”

I just looked at Him, a little sad that He didn’t want to play and a little frustrated because He hadn’t been disciplining me consistently over the past couple of weeks. “I don’t believe you’ll do anything.” And I turned over to go to sleep.

“I may not do it right now, but you do have a spanking coming and trust me, I’m keeping track.”

I smiled, hoping He meant it because I could feel myself getting lazy. I know it’s tough through the week for Him to stay on top of the discipline because life is so busy. Sometimes He’s worn out from work and studying and just wants to veg in front of the t.v. before we go to bed. Usually when we go to bed, it’s late and there’s not really time for much of anything. Thing is, I’m beginning to realize I’m one of those who needs a daily something, so we are going to work on it to meet both of our needs.

Friday night rolls around and I’m in full brat mode. I don’t want to do anything around the house and I for sure didn’t want to cook dinner, so I conveniently waited to take the chicken out of the freezer. I messaged Sir, “What would happen if I didn’t cook dinner tonight?”

He texts back, “o.O”

“Well, I don’t think the chicken will be thawed in time and all we have to go with it are peas and I’m just not in the mood for peas tonight.”

His response, “You’re in big trouble.”

That didn’t scare me. I stripped and laid down in the bed, played on my phone a little, and eventually fell asleep. I woke up about an hour later. He was due home in about 30 minutes, but I didn’t care. Laying there, the rational part of my brain kept nagging at me. I kept thinking, “The chicken is probably thaw, I should go put it in the oven,” but I just laid there. When I heard the door open, I pulled the blankets up to my neck and tried to pretend like I was sleeping. He came into our room and lifted the blankets so He could peek under. Upon seeing my naked body He said, “What’s the meaning of this? You’re supposed to be all dolled up so I can take you out to dinner.”

Wait. What? I’ve been a brat all day and He’s going to take me out to dinner? I’m sorry, but this does not compute. I just looked up at Him…speechless.

“I’m thinking Outback,” He said.

Okay. Let me get this straight. I act like a brat and you take me out for a steak dinner. My rational adult brain struggled with this concept, but my middle didn’t care. At least my adult brain is the one in charge most of the time, but in that moment the brat wanted what she wanted and she got it. Before I got up to get ready to go, I managed to coax Sir into bed with me for a quick romp. (By the way, I cannot “convince” Him or “coax” Him to do anything He doesn’t want to do already. That’s not how it is with us. If He didn’t want to do it, He would have put His foot down and I would have obeyed or been spanked if I didn’t.)

We went to dinner and had a great time. We always do because we love talking to each other and we can talk about anything. While we were eating, He looked across the table and said, “I want you to go the restroom and remove your panties and bring them back to me.” He was dead serious. His expression said it all, but I didn’t want to.

The brat was…well being a brat. Huh? He’s not serious, right? I looked back at Him as serious as could be, tried to read His face and said, “Are you being serious?” He didn’t say anything, just intensified the stare and tilted His head to the side a little. “You’re not serious. I can tell.” And I didn’t do as He asked. Nothing more was said or done with it…until the next day.

The next day…Yeah that was fun. I know I’ve mentioned this before. I am definitely a masochist because I love the rush of adrenaline that comes with experiencing pain, but at this point, I don’t really love receiving the pain. Thing is, it’s so worth it in the end and it really does help me feel better, so I endure the pain to get to the good stuff. Sir was in an especially dominant mood and that made me all warm and fuzzy, so it was already a good day.

I went out in the morning with a couple of my friends and when I got home, He was in the bedroom. I was ordered to take care of Him, so I wrapped my lips around His cock and did what I was told. At one point when I paused, He told me to “assume the position.”” I was really not ready for this, but I knew it was coming. I had been a brat and I know it, so I bent over the edge of the bed, giving Him easy access to my ass as He searched for an implement. (We normally use His belt, but I think He was just wanting to try something new.) He got a flexible, plastic ruler which isn’t totally new to our play, but He’s never used it as the primary instrument for my punishment.

He started off with lots of little swats to warm up my ass. (It’s always funny to me because even though He doesn’t hit hard at all during the warm ups, it always seems to hurt worse than when He starts the “real” spanking. I guess it’s because I’m not warm or expecting the pain just yet, but during the “real” spanking I’ve had a change to get used to it and stuff.) When it was good & red and warm to the touch, He asked if I was ready. I replied softly, “Yes.”

“Yes who?” And He brought the ruler down hard on my ass.

I jumped slightly and yelped in pain. That ruler stings. “Yes, Sir!”

“Remember to breathe. It hurts worse when you hold your breath.” We are still exploring my threshold and  even though this was a discipline spanking, He still didn’t want to push me too hard, so He was going for 5 swats as close to full power as I could stand. The first few weren’t as hard and He worked His way up counting with each swat and stating why I was receiving it.

“One. This one is for not getting all of your chores done this week.” It stung, and I jumped, but I always do. This is the level of pain that is not only bearable for me, but quite enjoyable. When we are just playing and He spanks me during sex or for light fun, this is how hard He usually hits me. The next one was slightly harder, “Two. For not writing as often as you should.” Again, it hurt, but not too bad. It was still in the enjoyable range. The next one was quite a bit harder, “Three. For not following a direct order.” Okay. This one hurt, so I took a deep breath and focused on the sting. (This one was specifically for not doing what He asked in the restaurant.) When He brought the ruler down for the fourth time, I know He hit me harder still because the smacking sound was a little louder, “Four. For being a brat this week,” but for some reason, it didn’t seem to hurt the way it should. I jumped, more out of habit than actual reaction to the pain. It did hurt, but not like any pain I’ve experienced in a spanking before. The warmth radiating off my ass washed over my body as my breathing became slower, deeper and more even. I wasn’t even trying to breathe. It just happened. As He brought the ruler down for the final and hardest swat, He said, “Five. And that one is just because I can.” He was done? But it was just starting to “feel good.” :p

In some ways I wish He would have kept going. Kept pushing. But this wasn’t a boundary pushing experiment. It was discipline because of my bratty behavior. And besides, both of us were extremely turned on by the spanking which was clearly evident in the way He grabbed my hips and pressed His cock into me while I pushed back against Him, trying to help hurry the situation. He fucked me. Hard. And it was good. A lot of times this is my after care. A good hard fucking, but it’s done for Him not for me. It’s in these moments that I feel the most used and reminded of my place. Those are the times when I feel the most safe, the most valued, and the most secure. It’s not about rewarding me. It’s about Him getting what He wants in that moment.

As we slowed, I whispered, “Sir, You could have kept going with the swats. I know you were hitting me hard, but it was to the point that it actually felt good.” He just smiled that sadistic smile that I love so much and grabbed the ruler.

“Get up on your knees then.” I did as I was told, with no hesitation and He started smacking my ass with hard, quick swats. It hurt quite a bit, but I stuck my ass out there further for Him to keep hitting me.

The sting finally became a little too much and I called out our “slow down” safe word, just to let Him know I was nearing my limit, but didn’t want Him to stop entirely. God, it felt so good as the adrenaline pumped through my veins and He plunged His cock back into my waiting hole.

When all was said and done, my ass was quite red and bore new marks unlike any I’ve ever had before. I liked it. In fact, I told Sir, “That was different, but really nice. Now I’m curious to try caning.” Those words pleased the Sadist and He chuckled.

Later as we sat and watched t.v., the adrenaline and other naturally produced pain killers wore off and that’s when I felt the marks. More than an hour later and I realized just how hard He was hitting me because there were actually tiny abrasions in the welts. Instead of being upset or scared, I was excited. I love wearing His marks. They make me feel good inside and out. As I shift the way I sit or when my clothes brush against them while I’m walking, the reminder of my punishment and the fact that He put those marks there sends a tingle through my core.

Sometimes I marvel at what I’ve become, but I’m so happy with who I am today and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Sir and I compliment one another so perfectly that it’s difficult to know who is really doing what for whom. He likes to inflict pain and like receiving it. He thrives on acts of dominance and I thrive on acts of submission or service. It’s really quite perfect and I couldn’t ask for a better relationship.

Sometimes Vanilla is Good

This is a cross post from another site. I just thought some of my readers might enjoy it.

What I love about vanilla is you can always add toppings to make it more interesting.

The fact that we like to play with pain and indulge in stuff not of the “norm” signifies that Sir and I are not vanilla by vanilla standards, but we ARE most definitely more like a sundae…a hot fudge sundae with nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on top to be exact. You can’t have a true hot fudge sundae without the vanilla ice cream, though. Without it, the other stuff would be too overpowering and, in my opinion, the sundae wouldn’t be that good.

Last Sunday was a good day. No. It was a great day. We started early and came home late. Part of our day consisted of a drive out to Fredricksburg where we walked up and down Main Street window shopping and just enjoying each other’s company. On our way home we stopped off at a winery and did a wine tasting and then sat out on their patio to have a glass of wine as we enjoyed the beautiful weather just before sunset.

The whole excursion was extremely vanilla and I loved it. The hot fudge streak that runs through my core was constantly finding the naughty things hidden in the world of the mundane though. We were window shopping in a kitchen store and there was an ice tray for those cylinders of ice that you can put in your water bottles. Well…I love ice play and my dirty little mind immediately went there and I showed Sir. He just shook His head and said, “You behave.” M bottom lip came out and I play pouted because it’s what I do! Then it was His turn as we rounded the corner into the “Room o’ Knives.” Sir’s eyes lit up and the evil laugh that sometimes scares the piss out of me boiled up in his chest. I let the shiver run down my spine then  grinned and said, “Sir, if I have to behave so do you.” He just smiled and we continued on our way.

We have definitely fallen too far down the rabbit hole at this point and I’m certain we will never be able to go back to being “just vanilla,” but sometimes the vanilla days are some of the best ones we have. Those are the times that we grow closer as a couple. And sometimes, those are the times when being “naughty” is more fun and risky because someone might catch us!

A Little of This and A Little of That

I’m finding it harder to get on here everyday to write. Writer’s block? Maybe, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I feel like I don’t have anything new to say. I don’t want to write the same dribble over and over, so I wait for the “A-ha!” moment that never comes. My everyday life is rather boring.

This, for example, is a list of my day-to-day activities:

  • Wake up with Sir, sometimes by Him rolling over on top of me and sliding into me (my favorite way to wake up) and sometimes with a gentle nudge as He gets up to get in the shower, “sweet, it’s time to make my coffee and get breakfast started.”
  • Make coffee and cook breakfast.
  • Eat breakfast with Sir(Sometimes we do a daily devotion. Especially now with Advent upon us.)
  • Ask Sir what He wants for lunch and make mental notes
  • Kiss Him goodbye and see Him off to work
  • Spend time browsing the Internet (Facebook, Fetlife, blogs)
  • Log into Second Life
  • Write (sometimes)
  • Make lunch and have it ready for when He gets home
  • Eat lunch with Sir and find out what He wants for supper
  • Make the bed, clean the kitchen, do laundry, clean bathroom, vacuum and straighten living room (The kitchen and bed are the only ones I do everyday. The others I do when they need to be done.)
  • Browse the Internet
  • Read (I have a few books I’m reading. Sometimes I spend about an hour or more reading everyday, but not usually.)
  • Log into Second Life
  • Prepare supper and have it ready for Him when He gets home.
  • Eat supper and watch T.V. with Sir (Sometimes I’ll spend time sitting at His feet while we watch T.V. and rub his feet and legs.)
  • Sir does school work (He’s a graduate student.) and I’ll read or browse the Internet.
  • Go to bed. (This doesn’t mean we go to sleep right away. We spend a lot of time talking and a lot of time doing other things as well. It’s during this time that if we are going to play or if He must punish me, we will take care of that.)

As you can see, it’s not all that interesting, but it’s my life and I love it. Lately, though, I have been more active on Fetlife and I’ve made some local friends who encouraged me and Sir to get out to one of the local munches. Every Tuesday, we go out and meet new people and hang out with our friends. This is something that we’ve both needed. Not only is it important for us to be social, but it’s also helping us in our exploration. In the core group, Sir is the only guy who goes to the munch. One of my friends is married, but her hubby/Daddy stays home with their son so she can spend time with her friends.  But there are tons of other Doms at the munch, so He is starting to connect with a few and I think eventually some friendships may form.

One of women in our core group likes to bring small toys. You know, the kind that fit easily in her purse and can be played with discreetly under the table. A couple weeks ago she brought a couple of metal fingertip claws (similar to this, but not as fancy) and demonstrated them on her play partner’s arm. I just watched, and was totally intrigued, but having just met her, wasn’t about to ask. When pictures of the results were posted, I made a comment about feeling left out because the other two got scratched and I didn’t. She said that if Sir would allow it, she would take care of that next time.

This past week, she brought them again (as well as a few other things) and Sir encouraged her to mark me. OH MY GOD IT HURT! Now I know some would think it couldn’t have been that bad and maybe it wasn’t, but it was my first time experiencing it, so the sensations were all very new to me. It was also my first time allowing someone other than Sir to “hurt” me and IT WAS AMAZING! I have to clarify something though. I am the kind of masochist who actually hates receiving the pain, but I endure it because I absolutely love the rush after. I squirm…a lot.  I know I don’t breathe enough during. She constantly reminded me to breathe. If we hadn’t been in a public place, I would have been screaming and moaning, but all I could do was gasp as I tried desperately to suck in my noises. She loved it. I think I’m like a squeaky toy for her. It’s like no matter how soft or hard she pressed down, I made a noise. Once she was done scratching me, she popped my arm with a rubber paddle…hard. After a few minutes as the marks began to raise and my breathing regulated again, the high was so nice. Here’s a picture of what my arm looked like at the end of the night:

My first experience with talons. I can't wait to try more.

My first experience with talons. I can’t wait to try more.

That wasn’t all she had. She also had a Wartenberg pinwheel. If you haven’t seen one, this is what it looks like: http://orangebubbles78.tumblr.com/post/31606360682. All I can say is this little motherfucker feels like your being sliced open, but it feels so damn good after and the only marks it leaves, if any, are little red prick marks. She first gave it to Sir under the table so I couldn’t see what He had and He ran it over my leg. Even through my jeans it hurt like hell. Later, after she scratched my arm, she ran it over the palm of my hand and up each finger. The best way I can describe it is like someone was cutting me with a very sharp knife. It doesn’t feel like little pin pricks at all. I tried closing my eyes and to enjoy the sensation, but I couldn’t. Just like when she was scratching me, she kept reminding me to breathe and just experience it as a whole. It’s so hard to do that and part of my high comes from the tensing up all my muscles and final release when I know it’s over. I know that with time, I will get better at this. Remember, this was the first time I’ve ever experienced anything like it.

Sir and I don’t have any of these toys, but I’m sure that will change soon because Sir got the wheel back and started playing with me. The Sadist was really enjoying the pain it inflicted while the Gentleman liked the fact that it didn’t really do damage. He ran it along the neck of my shirt, over my breasts and collar bone. He ran it across my neck, at first softly and then with more pressure applied. I think that this night was the closest I’ve ever come to “subspace” because toward the end of Him playing with me, I was so zoned that I was hardly aware of anything happening around me. It was like I was drunk, but totally focused on what He was doing to me. When He stopped…I can’t describe it. I mean it was like my brain and body were acting as if I had an orgasm, but I know for a fact that it wasn’t “down there.” I was relaxed and euphoric and had this crazy smile on my face. My voice lowered in register (We call it my after-glow voice) and I just wanted to go to sleep. Those are all signs that I have cum, but I didn’t…if you know what I mean. Talk about surreal…for me at least. All I know is this is something I could get used to and definitely want to do again.

When Sir and I got home, we didn’t waste any time getting in bed and relieving the sexual tension built during our night out. That had to be one of the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time too. With each new experience, Sir and I are learning that our boundaries aren’t as close as we originally thought. We still have a lot of exploring and pushing to do, but with the holiday season upon us, it’s probably going to have to wait until after the first of the year. Maybe one of our resolutions can be to try one new thing each week…or month. All I know is I’m blessed to have the most amazing Sir to share this journey with and now I have amazing friends to share it with as well.

It’s Been Awhile…

I’ve been absent from my blog as of late and to my readers, I apologize. I took an unintentional break. Unintentional because it wasn’t planned and in spite of the fact that I opened the laptop and attempted to write several times, nothing came. My thoughts weren’t making sense to me, so I couldn’t get them from my head to the page. I’m not sure exactly what was going on, but today when I woke up I decided I needed to write something. Anything. I have to get back into the groove of posting again.

Sometimes I spend too much time in my head and I think way too much. A lot of times I manage to think up ridiculous scenarios that could never happen. I make assumptions about situations based on the smallest pieces of evidence. Sometimes I’m right, but most often, it’s ludicrous. Sir says I “catastrophize” and truth is, I do. I try not to, but there are times I just can’t help it because I know what’s happened in the past and what’s to stop it from happening again? There are a few outside forces at work that are just trying to make things difficult for us and I have to try not to let them bother me, but that’s not easy.

If it weren’t for Sir, I’m fairly certain I would still be locked in my room in California, unable to even do the smallest things necessary to take care of myself. Before I left my husband, I was a mess. Depression and anxiety kept me from doing anything. I tried to get out and be more “in the world,” but my anxiety would kick up and back to my room I would go. Even before I met Sir in person, He helped me fight my demons. He talked to me in such a way that I started to change the way I looked at certain situations. When I had the opportunity to meet Him in person, I couldn’t pass it up and my life has never been the same since because I’m actually happy. In fact, I’m the happiest I’ve been in a very long time.

My happiness stems from so much right now. I love that I’ve found someone who “gets” me. The most amazing feeling is when I don’t have to say anything because He already knows what I’m thinking and I’ve never had that with anyone else. We may be in a 24/7 D/s relationship, but everything I do for Him, He also does for me. When I’m down, He picks me up. When I’m weak, He offers support. When I need corrected, He gives me a spanking. When I need to be held, He wraps His strong arms around me and reminds me that He is my safe haven where I can always be myself and never worry about what anyone else thinks.

It’s because of His gentle spirit and overall generosity that I am able to give myself to Him in all ways. When He needs encouragement, I give Him my uplifting words. When He needs to be reminded that I love Him, I kiss Him gently and whisper the words in His ear. When He needs to be held, my arms are His and I wrap them around Him in a tight embrace. If He needs some stress relief, I offer myself to Him for play and pleasure. I hope that, like he is for me, I am His safe place where He can be who He is without fear of judgement.

I could have never imagined this life for myself, but from the first moment I knelt at His feet and placed my head in His lap, I felt like I was home and everyday that feeling is validated as we grow closer together exploring the dynamic of our relationship.