For the first time since Sir and i have been together…not just together…since we have become friends, my walls went up. i don’t like it and i’m glad they are back down again. From the time that we started talking online and spending time together in Secondlife, Sir and i have always had a very transparent relationship. We didn’t keep secrets, especially secrets that specifically pertained to us as friends or later as a couple. When our relationship was strictly virtual, we had certain rules in place about the type of information we would share regarding our “real life.” Other than that, there were no secrets and because we held true to that rule, eventually the top secret “real life” information eventually came out on the table too. We became best friends outside of our Secondlife relationship. We knew how to put aside the romantic role play to attend to the “real life” friendship. Some don’t understand and i’m not sure i have to energy to try to explain, but the bottom line is, a year ago, we had no intention of ever being together in “real life.” Clearly that all changed because we are together now, but it’s the foundation of trust that we built all those months ago that allows us to have the kind of relationship we have today.
Because of the immense trust i’ve had with Sir, i’ve never felt the need to put up walls with Him…until this past weekend. i’ve already talked to Him about it and we’ve worked through the shit that caused the walls to go up, so now i share it with you. The only reason i’m writing about it right now is because He already knows how i feel. He reads my blog and i want that He always hears it straight from me first, not by reading it here.
Let me explain what happened. Most of you know from previous posts that i struggle with depression and severe anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that i have panic attacks and sometimes it can cause agoraphobia. The past month or so has been a difficult one for me. i’m not sure why, but it has. Sir and i work the UT football home games and it’s always fun, but the last two games, prior to this Saturday, i haven’t been able to work because of my anxiety. On Saturday, i was ready to work. i wanted to work and i was excited to work…but i woke up in a bitchy mood. We were supposed to be at the stadium at 7:30 a.m. and got a late start so we were rushed. i didn’t get to take a shower, i didn’t get to have my morning orgasm, and i didn’t get to grab the necessary supplies i would need for the day: ibuprofen, tampons, etc. Oh and perhaps the most important of all…i didn’t get a cup of coffee or food in my belly.
We got to the stadium and all was fine until the tears came…without warning. No reason, i just started crying and couldn’t stop it. It was like someone turned on a faucet that was connected to my tear ducts. Then the cramps started which led to dizziness which led to more tears and so on. How is it i can take a belt across the ass and be fine, but cramps turn me into a whimpering baby? Anyway, i was determined to push through it, but the tears wouldn’t stop, so the anxiety started because i knew my tears would draw unwanted attention to me. Ugh! i was getting pissed, which just made it worse.
Before i knew it, i was sobbing and i had a couple of different people trying to figure out what was wrong. i had been talking to Sir, so He knew what was going on. He knew i was in pain, but was convinced (or rather hoped) i would be ok and be able to work. The thing is, i was a mess. i was crying, crampy, and about to totally lose it. These are all horrible things to have going on when you are working face-to-face with the public. He tried to calm me down and there were a couple of times when i thought all would be well, but then the tears would start again, for no blessed reason other than my fucking hormones were in high gear.
i was given the choice by the supervisor to stay or go home, but Sir and i rode to the game together and if i left, that meant He would have to go too, mostly because i was in no condition to drive. That again made my anxiety peak because Sir loves working the football games and by me having to leave, it disappointed Him because He would be taking me home. i left the decision up to Him. i still don’t fully understand the motivation behind Him deciding we would leave. We talked about it and i know that part of Him did it because He was worried about what everyone would think, but i also know that part of Him understood that He needed to get me home and take care of me.
This is where the walls went up though. Even if He had good intentions by taking me home, His disappointment emanated off of Him and hit me like a ton of bricks. He wouldn’t hold my hand walking back to the car and He seemed to be walking at a rather quick clip. Once we were in the car, He appeared cold and distant, something i’m not used to with Him at all. Now, i’m not telling you this stuff so you can form a negative opinion of Him. He’s a person, just like you and me and He’s allowed to have feelings. It’s just that it was all part of the experience that led to me throwing up walls and not feeling the same connection with Him that i normally feel.
i was desperate to talk to Him and figure out what was going on so we could just get past it, but He wasn’t talking. I asked if He was upset with me and His response, “Well not necessarily with you directly.” Ok, He wasn’t directly upset with me, but He was upset with me because of something i had done. In my mind, that’s the same thing. i tried not to let it bother me. i tried to just let Him have space to process because sometimes He needs this. The only problem is, He never really came back to me about it. i had to approach Him and He was still tentative. I hate not talking and my empathetic nature picks up on subtle nuances, but i’m fairly certain nothing about His demeanor was subtle.
From a D/s standpoint, one might say this was all consequence for my actions, but i didn’t do any of what happened on purpose. i was physically in pain which was causing me mental issues due to my anxiety. i wanted to be there. Hell, half of my frustration was with the fact that i would be missing the game too! i wasn’t trying to get out of something. i wasn’t trying to manipulate anything, but in my mind, i felt like Sir thought that was the case. The fact that He wasn’t talking to me caused me to create a million different scenarios in my mind, some true, some not, but all of this is why the walls went up.
Later that evening when things had cooled a bit, He still wasn’t really talking, but reference was made to about me getting punished for it. (He was joking…i think.) I told Him, “Sir, i didn’t do it on purpose. i wasn’t trying to get out of anything. In fact, one of the reasons my anxiety went into high gear is because i knew i was disappointing You.”
He said, “Well He doesn’t think so.” Of course He meant The Sadist.
Remember, my walls are up and i’m not fully trusting Him right now, so i said, “Well He can go fuck Himself.” Sir just raised an eyebrow at my response and didn’t say anything. i said, “Sir, You’re not talking to me right now. You won’t tell me what You’re thinking, so how am i supposed to trust You or Him.” i didn’t feel safe. Without knowing what was going on in His brain, i couldn’t feel safe.
Everything about that was awful. i hate that i disappointed Sir. i hate that He was so upset with me. i hate that i wasn’t feeling safe and put walls up as a result. The walls made me react defensively and i was totally bitchy and rude, but it was all a defense mechanism. I hate when this happens.
That night, we went out for a drink and we finally talked. i got some of the crap off my chest and was better able to explain and convey how i was feeling. He admitted to feeling a certain way, but also admitted to after thinking about it He realized His perception may have been a little off. i told Him that while all the D/s stuff is important to my happiness, i also need comfort and reassurance and that i didn’t get either of those during the events earlier in the day. i even told Him that His face looked different. It was somehow colder and harsher and He didn’t look like my Sir. As i explained to Him all of these things, His face softened and i saw the Man i have come to love so deeply return. Tears again…the damn tears came to my eyes and i touched His face, “And there is my Sir again.” i kissed Him and then buried my face in His shoulder as i cried. “Sir, i love You so much and hate it when i disappoint You. i’m so sorry for what happened today.”
He lifted my face and looked me in the eyes, “No need to apologize anymore. It happened. It’s over. And I know that it wasn’t on purpose. Let’s go inside.”
There’s a reason i’m not a slave. Yes, i’m giving myself to Him to use in whatever way pleases Him, but i require that my feelings always be taken into consideration. If i ever feel like i don’t matter, i walk. This past Saturday, there was a small part of me that felt like i didn’t matter and that’s not okay. As Sir’s face softened and i saw the Man i love return to me, the walls started coming down and as the evening progressed, piece by piece, they were no longer there. i could feel my heart warming instead of aching. i sensed His desire to protect me and care for me, not just use me as a piece of property. Sunday saw the further repair as we spent time together and laughing like we usually do.
Last night, we played a little as we went to bed. i was in a frisky mood and i tickled Him, which He didn’t really like. As He grabbed my wrist and looked me in the eye, i felt the familiar rush of warmth flood over my body. i whispered, “Sir, i need You to get rough with me.”
“When,” He asked.
“Not tonight, Sir, i know it’s late, but soon. Please?” i pleasured Him with my mouth and then we fell asleep, the events of Saturday, already well behind us.