i wrote a few days back about Sir’s inner-sadist and how we are just beginning to discover His existence and what He desires. It’s a strange journey when a seemingly vanilla person discovers the darkness and decides to explore that darkness. The trick to it all is reconciling the darkness with the light, finding the balance between what our conscience will allow and what those deep desires require to stay happy. This is something that Sir and i both discovered isn’t easily accomplished. The fact that we are in it together helps. In fact, it’s one of the key things i love about our relationship is the fact that no matter what, we are not alone to explore the scary, uncharted territory in our minds.
Our most recent experience has left both of us with a few questions and maybe even concerns about the path we are now on. We know kink is a part of us that we aren’t willing to give up, but to what extent we take that kink is the question. Being able to talk about these things makes it a lot easier though and that is something we have never been afraid to do…talk. When things get too comfortable, we talk about pushing our limits and broadening our comfort zone. When things are uncomfortable to the point of being destructive, we talk about reigning things back a bit and taking smaller steps. Last week, as the inner-sadist made Himself known, we had one of these talks. i was ready to push our play to the next level and with The Sadist peeking out, i thought maybe it was time. i asked Sir and He agreed we could move forward, so Friday night, He bound my ankles and wrists, bent me over the edge of the bed, and took His belt to me, just like we talked about. (How Sir would push me/us was completely up to Him. i only let Him know i was ready to move forward.)
He warmed me up with several lashes on my ass. i expressed an interest in my entire ass ending up bright red and welted from top to bottom. i love wearing His marks and i was ready to work my way up to experiencing His full-power strike. Once my ass was bright red and warmed up, He asked, “Do you think you can take five lashes at full strength.”
i sucked in my breath, knowing it would hurt like hell, “i will try my best, Sir.”
Though i couldn’t see Him, i heard the smile in His voice, “Oh, i know you will, sweet. You always do.” i braced myself and closed my eyes, but tried to breathe to keep the oxygen flowing through my veins. The first strike came down hard on the lowest part of my right cheek. It hurt, but it was endurable. i cried out, but the warmth of the mark washed over me and i felt my tension melting away. The second strike wasn’t as nice. He brought the belt down hard, intending to hit my left cheek in the same way as the right, but missed and it landed on my upper thigh and wrapped around my leg. Excruciating pain coursed through my body and not only did i scream out loud, i cried…no…i sobbed. It was more intense than anything i have ever felt before. i didn’t want Him to stop, but was sure i couldn’t take anymore.
Sir paused when He noticed my sobbing. “Do you want to use the safe word?”
“I don’t want to use the safe word, Sir, but i’m not sure I can handle anymore,” my body bucked as i tried to breath, the tears pouring out of my eyes.
“If you don’t use the safe word, sweet, I will continue.” The Sadist spoke, matter-of-factly, but did nothing. Something kept Him from continuing. Sir would tell me later what that was.
“But, Sir,” my tears fell freely now and i was having a hard time catching my breath. “i’m not prepared to use the safe word, but i’m telling You i may not be able to handle anymore.” In other words i was saying i’m right at my limit for this experiment, but i trust You to make the final decision on whether or not to continue.
He paused for what seemed like an eternity. i was waiting for the belt to come down on my other cheek for lash number 3, but it never did. He put the belt on the bed, and lay over my backside pressing His pelvis into my ass. He hugged me from this position and i whispered, “You’re not even hard anymore. It’s not enjoyable for you anymore.” He didn’t say anything, but rubbed my ass where He hit me.
After a moment, He jerked me up and forced me to my knees, “Get me hard so I can fuck you.” i did as i was told, no questions asked, and wrapped my lips around His flaccid cock, working my tongue around the tip. He moaned out loud and thrust His hips into my face as it grew filling my mouth and the head reaching for the back of my throat. Sliding my mouth up and down the length as it grew, i delighted in my personal act of submission to Him. My ass was on fire and my left leg ached, but none of that mattered. All that mattered to me was pleasing Sir.
i focused on His cock, now fully erect, taking Him deep into my throat, begging to be gagged. He grabbed the back of my head and fulfilled my silent request by shoving His cock as deep as He could. my throat tightened around Him and He pulled out only to do it again and then again. i looked up at Him, prepared to do anything He desired of me, my pussy now dripping wet and ready for Him. He saw the lust in my eyes and raised me to my feet only to push me back over the edge of the bed and fucked me.
After He had His fill, He released my restrained wrists and ankles and took me in His arms and held me tight, caressing my face and playing with my hair. As i resurfaced and my mind actually worked again, i said, “Sir, thank You for stopping. i left the decision up to You and i’m relieved You saw my true limit. Of course i could have taken one more because i would have, if that’s what You chose to do, but i know i would have used the safe word if you had. Thank You for not pushing me to that point.”
He kissed my forehead and said, “I almost didn’t stop. There was a bit of an argument between the Sadist and the Gentle Dom.”
“Well, i’m glad the Gentle Dom won this time.” We just lay there in bed, holding each other and basking in the after glow. My trust for Him growing in leaps and bounds.
i’m not the only one pushing limits and testing boundaries. Sir is too. He’s pushing Himself to see how much control He is willing to give the Sadist and this experience was a defining moment for us. He told me later that The Sadist wanted to keep going. He was enjoying the pain He inflicted, but The Gentle Dom wasn’t prepared to relinquish that control, worried He may never get it back. As the massive bruise bloomed on my thigh, it was even more apparent that didn’t like what He had done to me. The internal struggle between Sadist and Gentle Dom is one of which we have to be mindful. Sir is working just as hard at overcoming fears as i am and i have here for Him as He does. Perhaps i will convince Sir to guest blog about His experience so you, my readers, can see it from His point of view.
The more time that passes, the more i find that in spite of the fact that i didn’t enjoy the excruciating pain in the moment i received it, i want it again. (There’s that dichotomy again.) i don’t crave the pain so much, but after effects of that pain. The endorphin rush, the cleansing from crying, and the marks on my body are all things that appeal to me in such a way that i just can’t explain. i’ve shared this with Sir, so He does know and now we are on a quest to find a way to make it happen. He’s afraid to lose control, at least that’s what He told me, so we look for the tools that will help Him maintain control. The most important thing is that He’s not giving up and i love that about Him.