When i first met Sir, there wasn’t a sadistic bone in His body. The thought of Him “owning” me was completely foreign to Him and when He did put the virtual collar on my avatar in Second Life, He told me He had limits like the leash. He viewed the leash as demeaning and humiliating. i completely understood, but i shared my views and explained that i saw it more as a show of protection. If we went to a BDSM club, He could attach the leash and i would feel safe, plus it would make it clear to others that i belong to Him. We joked around about spanking, but when it came to “real” punishment, He didn’t really love the idea of hitting me. (Yes, In Second Life, He said He didn’t want to hurt me.) Since we talk about everything, as we learned and grew, He began to feel differently about a lot of the “scary” elements to the lifestyle and we soon discovered the hard-assed, steely-eyed sadist buried in the darkest parts of His mind.
There was definitely a shift in the dynamic when we took our relationship from online to real-time. Would the shift have happened without that change? i’m not sure, but i know i wouldn’t be enjoying it nearly as much if i was the one inflicting the pain on myself at the direction of Sir. I find a certain amount of strength in being able to truly relinquish all power to my Sir. The authority He gains from me has helped Him accept Himself and His role as my Sir. Though i haven’t received a physical collar from Him yet, the hesitations He had in Second Life are pretty much non-existent now as He understands it’s a sense of pride for me to wear His collar and be on the end of His leash just like wearing a mark or bruise He gave me is like wearing a badge of honor.
i previously wrote about the dichotomy present in the submissive and how on a daily basis certain aspects of my submissive personality don’t make any sense. i’m coming to realize the dichotomy is present in the Dominant as well. Depending on the person, the contradictions may be more apparent than others, but i definitely see it with my Sir. His predominant personality is protective, nurturing, concerned, warm, fuzzy; cuddly…you get the idea. As we learn more about Sir’s inner-sadist, it’s apparent “He” is the complete opposite and nothing excites me more. The Man i live with is usually my Gentle Dom who guides me with firm expectations and an even firmer hand. He’s loving and caring and makes me want to be a better woman and submissive. When He brings the Sadist out to play, even when it’s a matter of discipline, it’s because Sir knows i need it. The beauty of it all is when the Sadist is through with me; the Gentle Dom comes back and cares for me, always reminding me that He is there no matter what.
Sometimes Sir allows the Sadist to come out to play just because i need to feel fear and this part of Sir invokes my fear when the Gentle Dom can’t. The Sadist is still learning too, so we are taking things slow, but what gets me the most is the change in His face. It’s the darkness that turns His caramel brown eyes to coal black, hardens His jaw line, and transforms His lighthearted chuckle into a sadistic laugh. As i see the metamorphosis happen right in front of my eyes, my heart flutters and everything in me screams to run, but my own masochistic tendencies ignore the warnings and my trust in Him wins out every time, so i willingly stay in order to please Him.
Right now, our “edge play” comes in the simple form of this apparently cold and unfeeling alter-ego of my usually sweet, gentle, and caring Sir. We are playing with other boundaries and the more we learn, the more we will explore, but this is exactly what i need right now and i love every second of it. Sometimes i yearn for the demanding gaze of the Sadist and whisper into Sir’s ear, “Can ‘He’ come out to play?” He always knows what i mean. i’m addicted to the adrenaline that courses through my body when Sir taps into the darkness and takes pleasure in whatever torture He has planned for me. i think Sir has plans to release the Sadist this weekend and i’m eager to experience what “He” has planned for me and since i do have a spanking coming, i hope “He” will push my tolerance the way only “He” can.
This lifestyle is full of dichotomies. Usually it’s difficult for me to see the Sadist lurking behind Sir’s kind eyes, but He’ll see something or read something that speaks to “Him” and He is quick to remind me of “His” presence through a laugh or grin or a flash of the black eyes. It’s a reminder that sends a shiver trickling down my spine.