Exploring…

ex·plore

verb (used with object)
1. to traverse or range over (a region, area, etc.) for the purpose of discovery: to explore the island.
2. to look into closely; scrutinize; examine: Let us explore the possibilities for improvement.
3. to investigate into, especially mechanically, as with a probe.
4. to search for; search out.
Found on Dictionary.com

Sir and i are still exploring the world of BDSM and the different types of D/s relationships that are out there. What exactly does that mean? Well, it means we are looking, reading, talking, and eventually trying new things to see what we like and what we don’t like. We have only been living the lifestyle in real time since May and over the first few months, it was only occasional when i was able to come home from my job. There were aspects that were part of the 24/7 relationship, but being that i was away from Him for days at a time, only so much could be done. Also, i had a roommate which really limited my activities in my dorm. Since i’ve officially come home to Him in August, we have taken that part of our relationship a little more seriously. We are always talking about things we like and might want to try as well as things that scare the crap out of us and fall within our hard limits.

Sometimes i feel like i’m the one leading the exploration simply because i come to Him with ideas of things i am interested in trying. Part of the reason this is the case is that i am home all day while He’s working. i have time to look at pictures and read about new things. He doesn’t. So if i find something interesting, i mention it to Him, maybe show Him a picture. The decision to pursue further exploration is completely up to Him.

Right now we know we enjoy light bondage (with His ties and/or bondage tape), blind folds, spanking (bare hand, belt, wooden spoon, ruler), hair pulling, biting, scratching, fisting (though He doesn’t do it as much as i’d love for Him to), rough sex, rape role play, role play in general, humiliation play, threesomes (MMF and FMF), clothes pins, forced orgasms.

Things we’ve talked about: rope bondage, flogging, riding crops, wax play, cages, Master/pet play, collar/leash, chastity. i’m sure there are more, but we talk so much that i’m probably forgetting something. i do have to say that the caging and chastity are His ideas, but nothing excites me more than Him using either of those as punishment. Especially when i’ve been a naughty girl and touch myself without permission.

It usually begins with one of us bringing up the new element in conversation, or with Sir, the Sadist usually mentions something while contemplating my latest punishment. The idea is mentioned and we have a conversation about it. Nothing is pushed and we aren’t going to jump up and go buy the stuff right now or anything. This is just about talking. Then it might come up again sometime later. For me, the big one right now is rope bondage. i don’t know why, but i really want to experience some of the really intricate rope bondage that’s out there. The thing is, i want Sir to be the one to do it to me, but He can’t do it unless someone teaches Him. As far as ropes are concerned, we need to network with others like us in our area to seek a mentor and i think He’s interested. i’m really excited for Him because i can guarantee that once He embraces the power afforded Him through this type of bondage, the Sadist will have a field day.

This process is an amazing one as we discover new things with each other and the fact that we talk about everything before and after it happens makes it so much easier to stay on the same page. In fact, i’m finding that things i once considered hard limits are slowly moving over to soft limit status. Sir laughs and says He’s not sure He’d ever be okay doing some of those things, but i tell Him, “It’s okay, Sir. i’m just letting You know that i trust You to the point that should You want to, i’m willing to try. Just be prepared for me to throw on the brakes at any moment. Trying doesn’t necessarily mean i can do it.”

i don’t feel like this post really says much, but i hope it says enough. The main thing i want to get across is that exploring can be fun, scary, rewarding, and a little dangerous, but when you do it with someone you trust, the overall experience is well worth it and amazing.

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Submission and What it Means to Me

…at least right now.

i’ve been struggling with what to write over the past couple of days, so i decided that today i would just talk about what submission means to me. This lifestyle isn’t just something that i do part-time when i my inner masochist needs attention. It’s so much more than bondage, pain, and sex. To me, it’s a way of life and i’m so happy to have found someone who also sees the joy in living this way. i know i’ve mentioned before that Sir and i consider ourselves 24/7, but now i hope to help my readers gain a better understanding of what exactly that means for us.

Being a submissive woman is so much more than a role i play in the bedroom to spice things up. There’s nothing wrong with that if it’s what you do. i’m just saying that’s not enough for me. That is how it started though…in the bedroom. i think that’s the way it starts for most people because the idea of incorporating a D/s lifestyle into a world that is inhabited by mostly vanilla people doesn’t seem possible. i’ll admit it. My lack of knowledge led me to the same conclusions. i thought that in order to be considered full-time D/s or M/s meant a couple of different things: 1) You have to have on leather cuffs and collars all the time, 2) the sub couldn’t work outside the home, 3) the sub gave up all rights to his/herself, 4) crazy, kinky, and often painful stuff is a necessity…and these are just to name a few. Are these things a part of some 24/7 relationships? Yes, but it’s important to know they aren’t necessary in order to have one.

i love my Sir with every fiber of my being. My purpose in life is to make Him happy in all that i do. That doesn’t mean i’m constantly thinking of ways to sexually please Him, though i do think of those things often. What it does mean is since i don’t have a job outside of the home, i do the majority of the housework and cooking. He works 10 1/2 – 12 hour days and sometimes more. Most weeks He works 6 days. It only seems natural that i would be the one to maintain the home since i am here to do it. Besides, i know it makes Him happy to come home to a clean house and a hot meal and when Sir is happy, i am happy.

i want to serve Him, not just in the bedroom, but in every aspect of our life together. When we are sitting and watching TV, if He needs a drink, i get up and get it for Him. If He asks for cookies, i go make them. There have been times when He simply mentions that something sounds good for dinner or dessert and i figure out a way to make it happen. One of my favorite examples is the night i made homemade apple crisp and He mentioned how good vanilla ice cream would be with it. Well, i didn’t have any way to get to the store nor the money with me to get ice cream, so He jokingly said, “Well make some.” He didn’t expect me to, but i took it as a challenge. i said, “You know i was a Girl Scout, right? If we have all the ingredients, i will figure out a way to make some.” He just laughed because He really didn’t think i could (or would) do it. Sure enough, i found all the ingredients and we had enough salt, so i mixed the ingredients in a bowl and put it in a plastic resealable bag which then went into a larger bag with ice and salt and i made ice cream. It was really fun to take out the container with my homemade ice cream in it and show Him what i had done. He was very surprised and also very pleased which totally made my night.

It’s the little things, like making ice cream or having a cocktail ready when He gets home, that really make it special for me. Don’t get me wrong, the kinky sex is amazing and definitely plays a major part in it, but it’s more about my service for Him than anything else. i’ve given my whole being to Him, not just my body to use for His pleasure. We sit and have intense and intelligent conversations about politics, religion, literature, and so much more, so my mind is there for Him to use as well. i do everything i can to lift Him up and encourage Him on a daily basis, so i’ve also given Him my spirit, When i say i am His mind, body, and spirit…i mean it. i trust Him enough to give myself to Him completely and He maintains that trust by not trying to change me or my own personal belief system. We are able to have discussions and disagree, but still love and appreciate each other usually gain an deeper understanding for one another.

Discipline is another piece to our dynamic that sort of fits into the “kinky” side of things, but it’s still not about sex and arousal. i am a mess when it comes to my emotions and staying on track and stuff. i tend to get lazy and often let my emotions take control. When this happens, i tend to become paralyzed and unable to really do much of anything. Sir keeps me focused by providing me structure through discipline. We don’t have lists and lists of rules or protocol, but i am expected to have certain things done on a daily basis and He will sometimes add to my list of chores. Unless i have a good reason, Sir punishes me if i fail to complete all of my tasks. In addition to consequences, we have been discussed implementing rewards for when i do get my chores done, but to be honest, knowing i’ve pleased Him is often reward enough in itself. Nothing makes me melt more than hearing Him say, “Thank you,” or smile as He kisses me and then says, “You’re my good girl.”

I’m not sure if any of this makes sense, but i know i focus a lot on the sexual aspects of our relationship and that’s only a small part of it. We are a very sexual couple, but even on the days where sex isn’t on the table, we are still very much D/s. i love nothing more than when i get up to get Him a drink and come back to Him stretched out on the couch forcing me to sit on the floor at His feet. i know some women would take offense, but it warms my heart to know He wants me there, looking up to Him. i take tremendous pleasure in rubbing His feet and legs after a long, hard day at work or rubbing His neck and shoulders to help Him relax. i know it sounds strange  and i covered this in my post titled “A Letter to Sir,” but i feel like i was made for this…for Him. Everything about us feels so completely right and we really do understand each other. When we don’t, we talk about it. i will do everything in my power to keep this just the way it is because i never want to lose this.

Sir, i know You will be reading this, so i wanted to tell You that i love You, so very much, and i thank God everyday that He brought us together. i also thank You for allowing me to love You and serve You and choosing to love me in return. i know things aren’t always perfect, but we can do anything as long as we keep talking about it and work together. i’m so happy to be on this journey with You, Sir, and i look forward to the many years of submission (an kinky sex) to come.

Up Go the Walls

For the first time since Sir and i have been together…not just together…since we have become friends, my walls went up. i don’t like it and i’m glad they are back down again. From the time that we started talking online and spending time together in Secondlife, Sir and i have always had a very transparent relationship. We didn’t keep secrets, especially secrets that specifically pertained to us as friends or later as a couple. When our relationship was strictly virtual, we had certain rules in place about the type of information we would share regarding our “real life.” Other than that, there were no secrets and because we held true to that rule, eventually the top secret “real life” information eventually came out on the table too. We became best friends outside of our Secondlife relationship. We knew how to put aside the romantic role play to attend to the “real life” friendship. Some don’t understand and i’m not sure i have to energy to try to explain, but the bottom line is, a year ago, we had no intention of ever being together in “real life.” Clearly that all changed because we are together now, but it’s the foundation of trust that we built all those months ago that allows us to have the kind of relationship we have today.

Because of the immense trust i’ve had with Sir,  i’ve never felt the need to put up walls with Him…until this past weekend. i’ve already talked to Him about it and we’ve worked through the shit that caused the walls to go up, so now i share it with you. The only reason i’m writing about it right now is because He already knows how i feel. He reads my blog and i want that He always hears it straight from me first, not by reading it here.

Let me explain what happened. Most of you know from previous posts that i struggle with depression and severe anxiety. Sometimes my anxiety is so bad that i have panic attacks and sometimes it can cause agoraphobia. The past month or so has been a difficult one for me. i’m not sure why, but it has. Sir and i work the UT football home games and it’s always fun, but the last two games, prior to this Saturday, i haven’t been able to work because of my anxiety. On Saturday, i was ready to work. i wanted to work and i was excited to work…but i woke up in a bitchy mood. We were supposed to be at the stadium at 7:30 a.m. and got a late start so we were rushed. i didn’t get to take a shower, i didn’t get to have my morning orgasm, and i didn’t get to grab the necessary supplies i would need for the day: ibuprofen, tampons, etc. Oh and perhaps the most important of all…i didn’t get a cup of coffee or food in my belly.

We got to the stadium and all was fine until the tears came…without warning. No reason, i just started crying and couldn’t stop it. It was like someone turned on a faucet that was connected to my tear ducts. Then the cramps started which led to dizziness which led to more tears and so on. How is it i can take a belt across the ass and be fine, but cramps turn me into a whimpering baby? Anyway, i was determined to push through it, but the tears wouldn’t stop, so the anxiety started because i knew my tears would draw unwanted attention to me. Ugh! i was getting pissed, which just made it worse.

Before i knew it, i was sobbing and i had a couple of different people trying to figure out what was wrong. i had been talking to Sir, so He knew what was going on. He knew i was in pain, but was convinced (or rather hoped) i would be ok and be able to work. The thing is, i was a mess. i was crying, crampy, and about to totally lose it. These are all horrible things to have going on when you are working face-to-face with the public. He tried to calm me down and there were a couple of times when i thought all would be well, but then the tears would start again, for no blessed reason other than my fucking hormones were in high gear.

i was given the choice by the supervisor to stay or go home, but Sir and i rode to the game together and if i left, that meant He would have to go too, mostly because i was in no condition to drive. That again made my anxiety peak because Sir loves working the football games and by me having to leave, it disappointed Him because He would be taking me home. i left the decision up to Him. i still don’t fully understand the motivation behind Him deciding we would leave. We talked about it and i know that part of Him did it because He was worried about what everyone would think, but i also know that part of Him understood that He needed to get me home and take care of me.

This is where the walls went up though. Even if He had good intentions by taking me home, His disappointment emanated off of Him and hit me like a ton of bricks. He wouldn’t hold my hand walking back to the car and He seemed to be walking at a rather quick clip. Once we were in the car, He appeared cold and distant, something i’m not used to with Him at all. Now, i’m not telling you this stuff so you can form a negative opinion of Him. He’s a person, just like you and me and He’s allowed to have feelings. It’s just that it was all part of the experience that led to me throwing up walls and not feeling the same connection with Him that i normally feel.

i was desperate to talk to Him and figure out what was going on so we could just get past it, but He wasn’t talking. I asked if He was upset with me and His response, “Well not necessarily with you directly.” Ok, He wasn’t directly upset with me, but He was upset with me because of something i had done. In my mind, that’s the same thing. i tried not to let it bother me. i tried to just let Him have space to process because sometimes He needs this. The only problem is, He never really came back to me about it. i had to approach Him and He was still tentative. I hate not talking and my empathetic nature picks up on subtle nuances, but i’m fairly certain nothing about His demeanor was subtle.

From a D/s standpoint, one might say this was all consequence for my actions, but i didn’t do any of what happened on purpose. i was physically in pain which was causing me mental issues due to my anxiety. i wanted to be there. Hell, half of my frustration was with the fact that i would be missing the game too! i wasn’t trying to get out of something. i wasn’t trying to manipulate anything, but in my mind, i felt like Sir thought that was the case. The fact that He wasn’t talking to me caused me to create a million different scenarios in my mind, some true, some not, but all of this is why the walls went up.

Later that evening when things had cooled a bit, He still wasn’t really talking, but reference was made to about me getting punished for it. (He was joking…i think.) I told Him, “Sir, i didn’t do it on purpose. i wasn’t trying to get out of anything. In fact, one of the reasons my anxiety went into high gear is because i knew i was disappointing You.”

He said, “Well He doesn’t think so.” Of course He meant The Sadist.

Remember, my walls are up and i’m not fully trusting Him right now, so i said, “Well He can go fuck Himself.” Sir just raised an eyebrow at my response and didn’t say anything. i said, “Sir, You’re not talking to me right now. You won’t tell me what You’re thinking, so how am i supposed to trust You or Him.”  i didn’t feel safe. Without knowing what was going on in His brain, i couldn’t feel safe.

Everything about that was awful. i hate that i disappointed Sir. i hate that He was so upset with me. i hate that i wasn’t feeling safe and put walls up as a result. The walls made me react defensively and i was totally bitchy and rude, but it was all a defense mechanism. I hate when this happens.

That night, we went out for a drink and we finally talked. i got some of the crap off my chest and was better able to explain and convey how i was feeling. He admitted to feeling a certain way, but also admitted to after thinking about it He realized His perception may have been a little off. i told Him that while all the D/s stuff is important to my happiness, i also need comfort and reassurance and that i didn’t get either of those during the events earlier in the day. i even told Him that His face looked different. It was somehow colder and harsher and He didn’t look like my Sir. As i explained to Him all of these things, His face softened and i saw the Man i have come to love so deeply return. Tears again…the damn tears came to my eyes and i touched His face, “And there is my Sir again.” i kissed Him and then buried my face in His shoulder as i cried. “Sir, i love You so much and hate it when i disappoint You. i’m so sorry for what happened today.”

He lifted my face and looked me in the eyes, “No need to apologize anymore. It happened. It’s over. And I know that it wasn’t on purpose. Let’s go inside.”

There’s a reason i’m not a slave. Yes, i’m giving myself to Him to use in whatever way pleases Him, but i require that my feelings always be taken into consideration. If i ever feel like i don’t matter, i walk. This past Saturday, there was a small part of me that felt like i didn’t matter and that’s not okay. As Sir’s face softened and i saw the Man i love return to me, the walls started coming down and as the evening progressed, piece by piece, they were no longer there. i could feel my heart warming instead of aching. i sensed His desire to protect me and care for me, not just use me as a piece of property. Sunday saw the further repair as we spent time together and laughing like we usually do.

Last night, we played a little as we went to bed. i was in a frisky mood and i tickled Him, which He didn’t really like. As He grabbed my wrist and looked me in the eye, i felt the familiar rush of warmth flood over my body. i whispered, “Sir, i need You to get rough with me.”

“When,” He asked.

“Not tonight, Sir, i know it’s late, but soon. Please?” i pleasured Him with my mouth and then we fell asleep, the events of Saturday, already well behind us.

My First Blog Award!

I was nominated by BondageGirl for this award and while I was trying to figure out what I was going to do, Kayla Lords also nominated me. Thanks so much for the support. It means a lot to me. 🙂

To accept the award, I have some rules to follow:

  • When one receives the award, one posts 11 random facts about oneself and answers the 11 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
  • Pass the award onto 11 other blogs (while making sure one notifies the blogger that one nominated them!)
  • One writes up 11 NEW questions directed towards YOUR nominees.
  • One is not allowed to nominate the blog who nominated one’s own blog!
  • One pastes the award picture into ones blog. (You can google the image, there are plenty of them!)

Random Facts:

1. I played softball for 10 years. I was a pitcher and threw a 55 mph fastball.

2. I can tie a cherry stem in a knot with my tongue.

3. I want to publish a novel.

4. I suffer from a pretty severe anxiety disorder. I fight it everyday and I’m getting better.

5. I am ambidextrous.

6. I have my tongue pierced.

7. I love reading and writing. These are a couple of the ways I can escape from real life.

8. I love watching football.

9. I moved from California to Texas this year.

10. My favorite movie of all time is Dirty Dancing.

11. I graduated college with a B.A. in Theater and English.

BondageGirl’s Questions:

1. If you could have one super power, what would it be? Why? I want to be able to fly. This would give me the ability to travel where I want, when I want.

2. What is your lucky number? Don’t have one really. My number in softball was 17 and my number in basketball was 50.

3. What is your favorite music — in general? Country

4. What’s your biggest dream? I want to publish a novel or two or three…

5. I know some are said in the ‘About Me’ pages..but why did you start blogging? I’m on a new journey and I wanted to share it with others who may be going through the same thing.

6. What did you study in school? (If anything). Theater, English, Education

7. What is your biggest fear? being alone

8. If you could change anything about your life, what would you change? Why? I don’t think I would change anything just because the things that have happened in my life are what made me who I am today. I sometimes wish I hadn’t jumped into marriage at such a young age…that’s why I’m getting divorced now, but still, I wouldn’t be where I am today if it weren’t for the experiences I’ve had.

9. Where do you see yourself in five years? I always hate this question in interviews. It’s hard to see myself in 5 years when I’m just trying to get through today.

10. Cake or Pie? I want both!

11. What has changed your life the most within the past twelve months? Moving to Texas to be with my Sir. I was a shut in…never left my house and now I actually like getting out on occasion.

 

Kayla Lords’ Questions

1. How would other people describe you? Loyal, kind, sensitive, talkative, crazy

2. How would you describe yourself? I know I’m loyal, almost to a fault. It’s hard for me to let go of someone I love, even if they’ve hurt me. Family and friends are the most important thing to me and I will do anything to keep them safe. When I love, I love hard. I’m totally crazy and know it, so be prepared!

3. What do you love to do? Watch movies, read, write, cuddle, and I love nothing more than spending a Saturday in bed with Sir.

4. What do you hate to do? My chores, but I love it at the same time because I know that it pleases my Sir, so that makes up for it.

5. What do you dream of doing with your life and are you working towards that dream? I used to want to own and operate a summer camp for kids. Now I’m leaning more along the lines of writing. I want to write novels and short stories and publish them. I know I have a story to tell, so I’m going to tell it. This blog is the first step I’ve taken to work toward my dream.

6. When was the last time you laughed? I laugh everyday with Sir.

7. Who was your first love? I don’t know…it was so long ago.

8. Who do you love now? I love Sir. He’s the man I’ve been looking for all these years. I just didn’t know it until I found Him.

9. When you were a child, what did you want to be when you grew up? A teacher.

10. Who did you look up to as a child? Who was your hero? My 3rd Grade teacher. I wanted to be a teacher and she was a great one, so that’s the person I looked up to.

11. What turns you on? What’s your kink? (You knew I had to ask – I write about SEX!) Hahaha If you read my blog I think you’ll see my major kink is belt spanking, but I love anything that pushes limits beyond the “normal.” But seriously, a hard smack across the ass gets me wet. Heck even just hearing the buckle on clanking on His belt gets me wet. Sometimes He teases me with that sound, just because He knows what it does to me.

 

The New Questions for My Nominees

1. What is a memory of a time when you laughed until you cried?

2. Who is your favorite author?

3. What is your favorite book?

4. What time of day do you tend to be most creative?

5. Do you drink coffee? If yes, how do you take it?

6. Describe a key moment in your life that you believe helped shape you into the person you are today.

7. Who do you turn to for support? Why?

8. Where is the craziest place you’ve ever had sex?

9. What is your idea of a perfect Saturday?

10. Do you have a favorite movie? If so, what is it?

11. What is the hottest sex scene you’ve ever seen in a mainstream movie?

My Nominees

Now I’m supposed to nominate 11 blogs for the award, but since most of the blogs I follow are all part of the same community, I don’t think I have many more to add. Below are four blogs that I thoroughly enjoy and find myself coming to each day to see what’s new. I’ve chosen to follow the blogs I do because I like them though, so in my book, you all are winners!

New Knots in an Old Rope – I love being able to read from a Master’s point of view. Thank You, Sir, for Your blog. 🙂

Little Switch Bitch – Always so much fun to read and I’m getting ideas from her that help on the days when I don’t have any inspiration. Thanks!

Confessions of a Submissive Slut – This one is new to my list, but her poetry is wonderful and the accounts of her experiences resonate with me.

Ever Insatiable – I love reading about her experiences.

I know I’m supposed to choose 11, but that’s nearly impossible to do. For those I’ve nominated, should you choose not to accept the nomination, I totally understand, but at least there’s the possibility of this link bringing you new readers!

The Gentle Dom vs. The Sadist

i wrote a few days back about Sir’s inner-sadist and how we are just beginning to discover His existence and what He desires. It’s a strange journey when a seemingly vanilla person discovers the darkness and decides to explore that darkness. The trick to it all is reconciling the darkness with the light, finding the balance between what our conscience will allow and what those deep desires require to stay happy. This is something that Sir and i both discovered isn’t easily accomplished. The fact that we are in it together helps. In fact, it’s one of the key things i love about our relationship is the fact that no matter what, we are not alone to explore the scary, uncharted territory in our minds.

Our most recent experience has left both of us with a few questions and maybe even concerns about the path we are now on. We know kink is a part of us that we aren’t willing to give up, but to what extent we take that kink is the question. Being able to talk about these things makes it a lot easier though and that is something we have never been afraid to do…talk. When things get too comfortable, we talk about pushing our limits and broadening our comfort zone. When things are uncomfortable to the point of being destructive, we talk about reigning things back a bit and taking smaller steps. Last week, as the inner-sadist made Himself known, we had one of these talks. i was ready to push our play to the next level and with The Sadist peeking out, i thought maybe it was time. i asked Sir and He agreed we could move forward, so Friday night, He bound my ankles and wrists, bent me over the edge of the bed, and took His belt to me, just like we talked about. (How Sir would push me/us was completely up to Him. i only let Him know i was ready to move forward.)

He warmed me up with several lashes on my ass. i expressed an interest in my entire ass ending up bright red and welted from top to bottom. i love wearing His marks and i was ready to work my way up to experiencing His full-power strike. Once my ass was bright red and warmed up, He asked, “Do you think you can take five lashes at full strength.”

i sucked in my breath, knowing it would hurt like hell, “i will try my best, Sir.”

Though i couldn’t see Him, i heard the smile in His voice, “Oh, i know you will, sweet. You always do.” i braced myself and closed my eyes, but tried to breathe to keep the oxygen flowing through my veins. The first strike came down hard on the lowest part of my right cheek. It hurt, but it was endurable. i cried out, but the warmth of the mark washed over me and i felt my tension melting away. The second strike wasn’t as nice. He brought the belt down hard, intending to hit my left cheek in the same way as the right, but missed and it landed on my upper thigh and wrapped around my leg. Excruciating pain coursed through my body and not only did i scream out loud, i cried…no…i sobbed. It was more intense than anything i have ever felt before. i didn’t want Him to stop, but was sure i couldn’t take anymore.

Sir paused when He noticed my sobbing. “Do you want to use the safe word?”

“I don’t want to use the safe word, Sir, but i’m not sure I can handle anymore,” my body bucked as i tried to breath, the tears pouring out of my eyes.

“If you don’t use the safe word, sweet, I will continue.” The Sadist spoke, matter-of-factly, but did nothing. Something kept Him from continuing. Sir would tell me later what that was.

“But, Sir,” my tears fell freely now and i was having a hard time catching my breath. “i’m not prepared to use the safe word, but i’m telling You i may not be able to handle anymore.” In other words i was saying i’m right at my limit for this experiment, but i trust You to make the final decision on whether or not to continue.

He paused for what seemed like an eternity. i was waiting for the belt to come down on my other cheek for lash number 3, but it never did. He put the belt on the bed, and lay over my backside pressing His pelvis into my ass. He hugged me from this position and i whispered, “You’re not even hard anymore. It’s not enjoyable for you anymore.” He didn’t say anything, but rubbed my ass where He hit me.

After a moment, He jerked me up and forced me to my knees, “Get me hard so I can fuck you.” i did as i was told, no questions asked, and wrapped my lips around His flaccid cock, working my tongue around the tip. He moaned out loud and thrust His hips into my face as it grew filling my mouth and the head reaching for the back of my throat. Sliding my mouth up and down the length as it grew, i delighted in my personal act of submission to Him. My ass was on fire and my left leg ached, but none of that mattered. All that mattered to me was pleasing Sir.

i focused on His cock, now fully erect, taking Him deep into my throat, begging to be gagged. He grabbed the back of my head and fulfilled my silent request by shoving His cock as deep as He could. my throat tightened around Him and He pulled out only to do it again and then again. i looked up at Him, prepared to do anything He desired of me, my pussy now dripping wet and ready for Him. He saw the lust in my eyes and raised me to my feet only to push me back over the edge of the bed and fucked me.

After He had His fill, He released my restrained wrists and ankles and took me in His arms and held me tight, caressing my face and playing with my hair. As i resurfaced and my mind actually worked again, i said, “Sir, thank You for stopping. i left the decision up to You and i’m relieved You saw my true limit. Of course i could have taken one more because i would have, if that’s what You chose to do, but i know i would have used the safe word if you had. Thank You for not pushing me to that point.”

He kissed my forehead and said, “I almost didn’t stop. There was a bit of an argument between the Sadist and the Gentle Dom.”

“Well, i’m glad the Gentle Dom won this time.” We just lay there in bed, holding each other and basking in the after glow. My trust for Him growing in leaps and bounds.

i’m not the only one pushing limits and testing boundaries. Sir is too. He’s pushing Himself to see how much control He is willing to give the Sadist and this experience was a defining moment for us. He told me later that The Sadist wanted to keep going. He was enjoying the pain He inflicted, but The Gentle Dom wasn’t prepared to relinquish that control, worried He may never get it back. As the massive bruise bloomed on my thigh, it was even more apparent that didn’t like what He had done to me. The internal struggle between Sadist and Gentle Dom is one of which we have to be mindful. Sir is working just as hard at overcoming fears as i am and i have here for Him as He does. Perhaps i will convince Sir to guest blog about His experience so you, my readers, can see it from His point of view.

The more time that passes, the more i find that in spite of the fact that i didn’t enjoy the excruciating pain in the moment i received it, i want it again. (There’s that dichotomy again.) i don’t crave the pain so much, but after effects of that pain. The endorphin rush, the cleansing from crying, and the marks on my body are all things that appeal to me in such a way that i just can’t explain. i’ve shared this with Sir, so He does know and now we are on a quest to find a way to make it happen. He’s afraid to lose control, at least that’s what He told me, so we look for the tools that will help Him maintain control. The most important thing is that He’s not giving up and i love that about Him.

Disobedience and Consequences

i’m not sure if I have ever tried to describe my relationship with Sir and if i haven’t it’s simply because it’s difficult to put our dynamic into words. There are so many different labels in the community for the different types of Dom/mes and subs. We don’t see ourselves pigeonholed in one category, but depending on our mood and needs or what needs to be done around the home is what role we take on. The best way to describe us is how I have in the past. We are simply put, Dominant/submissive, but i am also His pet, lover, baby girl, occasional slave, always a brat, and sometimes i Switch for Him (only when He wants it though). The key here is that 99% of the time i am in the submissive role and the other 1% of the time only ever happens in the bedroom when He specifically requests to be dominated.

All of this to say, i do what He says when He says it…usually. i respect His decisions and course of action for us, not just in the bedroom, but in every aspect of our relationship and my job is to please Him through everything i do, be it in the kitchen, doing laundry, cleaning the house, or by providing my body to Him for His use, however, i do have a voice and i can resist…if there is good reason. In most cases, i don’t resist Him because His happiness is my happiness and i know doing as He says pleases Him. Unfortunately, my bratty side has a habit of taking over and that part of me ultimately gets me in trouble.

The other night i was texting back and forth with my 18 year-old cousin who just eloped. i knew it was coming because she is rebelling something fierce, but the two of them seem to really be in love and that’s great. i wanted to talk to her before she got married, but that didn’t happen, so i took a moment to just ask a few questions that i wish someone had asked me 18 years ago when my soon-to-be ex and I got engaged: “Will you do anything for him if he asks it of you? Will you listen to him even if it’s something you don’t want to do? Do you trust him to take care of you and make decisions with your input but ultimately giving him the authority to do what he feels is best for both of you?” (i know this dynamic doesn’t work for everyone, but i’ve found that it is more the norm than any other and what i know of her, she is a lot like me: submissive by nature, but a total brat and rebel.)

No one ever asked me those questions. They may not have made a difference because i was young and dumb and thought i was in love. As i texted i shared with Sir what was said and He smiled and said to me, “Those are good questions, now go stand in the corner.”

i just looked at Him, shocked and said, “Are you being serious right now?” i had no idea if He was or not because He’s always messing around and i hadn’t done anything to require a punishment. The other thing is He has never put me in the corner, so i didn’t even know if it was a punishment He would really use.

He looked at me, dead serious and said, “Are you questioning me? Go stand in the corner, sweet.”

i didn’t want to and i thought He was being ridiculous, so i just sat on the couch. Then i said, “We don’t have a corner free for me to stand in.” i thought i solved the problem, right? Ha!

“You can go stand in the corner by the front door or in the hallway.” He pointed at the corner between the two sofas, “Clean that corner out and climb back there…make a corner.”

“Sir, i don’t want to stand in the corner. Why are you doing this? i can’t believe you’re being serious.” i was actually letting my brat come out because i felt like He was treating me like a child.

He raised His eyebrow and shook His head, “It was a test of obedience, sweet, and you failed.”

I just looked at Him…bewildered. “Sir? i can’t believe You were being serious and felt the need to test me with that. You know i will do anything for You.”

This is where He got me. He brought the Bible into it and that works for me because Biblical submission is one of the major foundations for our dynamic, “It says in the Bible, sweet, that if you can be trusted with little then you can be trusted with much. If I can’t trust you to do this small request, how will I trust you to do the big things? You didn’t do as I asked, so there will be consequences.”

Ugh! Consequences! What the heck? And trust me with little? He told me to stand in the corner. i wanted to fight back and argue, but held my tongue. i didn’t understand why He did it, but there was no reason to push the issue and make my punishment worse. I just wish I had listened, not because of the punishment, but because I disappointed Him. I can handle any punishment. I’ve proven that. More than anything, I hate to disappoint Him. He assured me this particular infraction wasn’t worthy of the belt and He wouldn’t with hold His cum (It kills me when He does that), but He made it clear I would be punished.

Part of the torture was waiting for Him to decide what my consequences would be and when He would carry them out. The next day, we went to breakfast and as we sat waiting for our food, He looked across the table at me and His eyes darkened as He gazed at me and gave me “the look” (It’s the look that says, “You will cum right now, sweet, and you will not make a sound.”). He has been able to control my climax with “the look” and one simple commanding word, “Cum!” since our first night together. As time passes, He doesn’t even have to say the word, only look at me, with His black eyes, and nod. Do you know how difficult it is to do this and not make a sound? He did it 3 times, spaced out by about 3 or 5 minutes. i wiggled in my seat as the tingle grew more intense and the third time, I couldn’t keep from making noise…I totally moaned out loud. As i clapped my hand over my mouth, mortified, He grinned His sadistic grin and said, “Good girl, my sweet. THAT was your punishment.”

The Sadist Within

When i first met Sir, there wasn’t a sadistic bone in His body. The thought of Him “owning” me was completely foreign to Him and when He did put the virtual collar on my avatar in Second Life, He told me He had limits like the leash. He viewed the leash as demeaning and humiliating. i completely understood, but i shared my views and explained that i saw it more as a show of protection. If we went to a BDSM club, He could attach the leash and i would feel safe, plus it would make it clear to others that i belong to Him. We joked around about spanking, but when it came to “real” punishment, He didn’t really love the idea of hitting me. (Yes, In Second Life, He said He didn’t want to hurt me.) Since we talk about everything, as we learned and grew, He began to feel differently about a lot of the “scary” elements to the lifestyle and we soon discovered the hard-assed, steely-eyed sadist buried in the darkest parts of His mind.

There was definitely a shift in the dynamic when we took our relationship from online to real-time. Would the shift have happened without that change? i’m not sure, but i know i wouldn’t be enjoying it nearly as much if i was the one inflicting the pain on myself at the direction of Sir. I find a certain amount of strength in being able to truly relinquish all power to my Sir. The authority He gains from me has helped Him accept Himself and His role as my Sir. Though i haven’t received a physical collar from Him yet, the hesitations He had in Second Life are pretty much non-existent now as He understands it’s a sense of pride for me to wear His collar and be on the end of His leash just like wearing a mark or bruise He gave me is like wearing a badge of honor.

i previously wrote about the dichotomy present in the submissive and how on a daily basis certain aspects of my submissive personality don’t make any sense. i’m coming to realize the dichotomy is present in the Dominant as well. Depending on the person, the contradictions may be more apparent than others, but i definitely see it with my Sir. His predominant personality is protective, nurturing, concerned, warm, fuzzy; cuddly…you get the idea. As we learn more about Sir’s inner-sadist, it’s apparent “He” is the complete opposite and nothing excites me more. The Man i live with is usually my Gentle Dom who guides me with firm expectations and an even firmer hand. He’s loving and caring and makes me want to be a better woman and submissive. When He brings the Sadist out to play, even when it’s a matter of discipline, it’s because Sir knows i need it. The beauty of it all is when the Sadist is through with me; the Gentle Dom comes back and cares for me, always reminding me that He is there no matter what.

Sometimes Sir allows the Sadist to come out to play just because i need to feel fear and this part of Sir invokes my fear when the Gentle Dom can’t. The Sadist is still learning too, so we are taking things slow, but what gets me the most is the change in His face. It’s the darkness that turns His caramel brown eyes to coal black, hardens His jaw line, and transforms His lighthearted chuckle into a sadistic laugh. As i see the metamorphosis happen right in front of my eyes, my heart flutters and everything in me screams to run, but my own masochistic tendencies ignore the warnings and my trust in Him wins out every time, so i willingly stay in order to please Him.

Right now, our “edge play” comes in the simple form of this apparently cold and unfeeling alter-ego of my usually sweet, gentle, and caring Sir. We are playing with other boundaries and the more we learn, the more we will explore, but this is exactly what i need right now and i love every second of it. Sometimes i yearn for the demanding gaze of the Sadist and whisper into Sir’s ear, “Can ‘He’ come out to play?” He always knows what i mean. i’m addicted to the adrenaline that courses through my body when Sir taps into the darkness and takes pleasure in whatever torture He has planned for me. i think Sir has plans to release the Sadist this weekend and i’m eager to experience what “He” has planned for me and since i do have a spanking coming, i hope “He” will push my tolerance the way only “He” can.

This lifestyle is full of dichotomies. Usually it’s difficult for me to see the Sadist lurking behind Sir’s kind eyes, but He’ll see something or read something that speaks to “Him” and He is quick to remind me of “His” presence through a laugh or grin or a flash of the black eyes. It’s a reminder that sends a shiver trickling down my spine.