I almost didn’t bother to write anything today. I’m still not “feeling” it, but I decided I have to keep up with my writing if I’m going to take it seriously. I still have little or no motivation, but I’ve decided that my body is fighting something. I had a symptom pop up that only does so when my immune system is otherwise occupied, so something is attacking me and I’m not too thrilled about it.
When I’m sick, it doesn’t just mess with me physically. It messes with my head too because I am unable to do the things that keep me happy…centered. I don’t have the energy to keep the apartment clean and trying to come up with something to write…I mean really think about it…makes me want to curl up in bed. My brain hurts, my eyes hurt, and because I’m unable to please Sir by taking care of His needs, my heart hurts. Sir hesitates to discipline me during these times because He understands it’s not my fault, but at the same time I get irritable when He gives me grace and flexibility.
The last two mornings He’s let me sleep in and it pissed me off. I know He does it because He cares, but I want to wake up with Him and do whatever He needs or wants me to do. I hate that I’m weakened to the point of not being able to do it.
I thought I was lacking motivation, but I was literally lacking the energy. Ok, fine, but it still pisses me off. I’m cranky and bratty and full of attitude. It’s not the way I want to be and I hope someone saves me from myself because at this point, I can’t do it on my own.