No…not a moron…an oxymoron. Merriam-webster.com defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (a cruel kindness)” or more broadly “something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.” That’s me: a living, breathing contradiction. i sure as hell don’t understand it and nearly lose my mind when i try. i’ve written about the dichotomy of being submissive in the past, but always in relation to a specific event. Now let’s look at a few of the contradictions i (and probably most other submissives) experience on a daily basis.
In this type of relationship, it’s pretty obvious that pain and pleasure top the list of contradictions. How can something that hurts feel so good? What makes it pleasurable for one person but not another? i’ve not done serious research on the subject, but in what i have seen and read, pain and pleasure receptors are said to be very close in the brain and they invoke many of the same physical responses and chemical releases. It is perceived that when the two are combined, the body can learn to experience pain as pleasure. Pretty weird, huh? But it does explain a few things. Of course there are those of us out there who really do enjoy or need pain…as pain…to find much needed emotional release, but that still translates to pleasure when all is said and done because of the euphoric feeling experienced in the aftermath.
The two hardly go hand in hand, but in BDSM, fear and safety are key components. The main source of excitement and arousal within BDSM is the sense of fear one has when they are at the mercy of a sadist. One never knows just how far he/she will push and sometimes they tap into your real fears and phobias. The fear a submissive feels is real fear and no one should ever doubt that. i have personally experienced true fear at the hands of my Sir, but knowing i can fully trust Him makes the fear only temporary. When confronted with danger, fear is a natural instinct we have to ensure our survival. It’s the instinct that triggers “fight or flight.” When Sir does something to me that invokes fear, i get that rush of adrenaline and my brain runs a million miles a second trying to figure out how i’ll get out of the mess i’m in. But then i remember, He’s my Sir and i trust Him. He’s not going to do anything to me that will permanently damage me. Most importantly, i know He’s not going to kill me. I trust Him.
Just yesterday, Sir and i were talking about some different things because we’ve been exploring the use of fear in our play. Some of my darker fantasies require Him to make me experience true fear…even if it’s just for a second. We talked about how difficult it is for me to truly “be afraid” because i do trust Him. With no warning, He grabbed the butcher knife out of the drawer and pressed it against my throat. I about shit myself because He’s never done anything like that before AND He had just said He didn’t think He could ever use weapons like that with me.
My heart jumped into my throat and for a moment. i was really scared. o i looked into His eyes and the sadistic bastard who lives in His head was the one i saw, and the fear intensified as different thoughts raced through my mind. i questioned my own sanity for ever trusting Him, but entranced by his stare, i gazed into His soul and there, deep in His brown eyes, i caught a glimpse of the man i trust with my life and i knew He wouldn’t hurt me. As i made that realization, something changed in my expression and He noticed, so He asked me, “What are you thinking about right now?”
i swallowed hard. All i could think to say was, “It’s a good thing i trust you.” He smiled and put the knife away then pulled me into His arms. With a quick kiss on the forehead and His tight embrace, i knew i was safe, but the fear had already made its impact. My heart pounded and now adrenaline pumped through my body with every beat of my heart. My breathing was quick and i was a little shaky. i could feel the rush. It scared the fuck out of me, but i felt completely safe at the same time.
For some, this may seem like a strange one to include, but not for me. Yes, i am a submissive woman, but i’m only submissive to those who earn it from me. If you met me away from anything to do with the lifestyle, you would never know this part of me. i have a very dominant personality. When i’m in a group of people, i command attention and usually end up the leader of the group. In my first marriage, i was pretty much the dominant force (Though that’s probably why it failed). i was the super bossy big sister, always kicking my little sister’s ass because she was being a brat. What changed? i don’t know. Maybe nothing. All i know is when i met Sir, i knew i wanted to be under His care and control. i wanted to give Him the gift of my submission in a way that i never thought i would ever do.
i struggle on a daily basis with my dominant tendencies. Some would say i’m a switch, but i know i’m not. Dominating someone else isn’t really enjoyable for for me, though on occasion Sir does request it. What it comes down to is the fact that sometimes i don’t want to be told what to do or how to act or what to wear. Sometimes when Sir tells i’m going to be disciplined for something, i want to fight Him on it. Sometimes, i just don’t want to give in that easily. As each day passes, my need to be in control wanes, but it’s still there…ever present in the back of my mind.
The other key to this particular dichotomy is that i ultimately have control over my own actions. i choose to do what i do whether it’s to obey Sir or not. It’s my choice and i own that. Once i understood with perfect clarity that no one else can MAKE me do anything, it changed the way i viewed submission. Sir wouldn’t be able to make me kiss His feet unless i give Him my submission, so at the end of the day, i have the power.
i know i didn’t get them all, but these are the biggies, in my opinion, and it’s definitely a start. Feel free to make any additions in the comments. I would love to hear what you think about the topic and whether or not you feel like an oxymoron. Being a submissive is sometimes crazy because of all the contradictions, but at the same time, i wouldn’t have it any other way.