I’m An Oxymoron!

No…not a moron…an oxymoron. Merriam-webster.com defines oxymoron as “a combination of contradictory or incongruous words (a cruel kindness)” or more broadly “something (as a concept) that is made up of contradictory or incongruous elements.” That’s me: a living, breathing contradiction. i sure as hell don’t understand it and nearly lose my mind when i try. i’ve written about the dichotomy of being submissive in the past, but always in relation to a specific event. Now let’s look at a few of the contradictions i (and probably most other submissives) experience on a daily basis.

Painfully Pleased
In this type of relationship, it’s pretty obvious that pain and pleasure top the list of contradictions. How can something that hurts feel so good? What makes it pleasurable for one person but not another? i’ve not done serious research on the subject, but in what i have seen and read, pain and pleasure receptors are said to be very close in the brain and they invoke many of the same physical responses and chemical releases. It is perceived that when the two are combined, the body can learn to experience pain as pleasure. Pretty weird, huh? But it does explain a few things. Of course there are those of us out there who really do enjoy or need pain…as pain…to find much needed emotional release, but that still translates to pleasure when all is said and done because of the euphoric feeling experienced in the aftermath.

Safely Afraid
The two hardly go hand in hand, but in BDSM, fear and safety are key components. The main source of excitement and arousal within BDSM is the sense of fear one has when they are at the mercy of a sadist. One never knows just how far he/she will push and sometimes they tap into your real fears and phobias. The fear a submissive feels is real fear and no one should ever doubt that. i have personally experienced true fear at the hands of my Sir, but knowing i can fully trust Him makes the fear only temporary. When confronted with danger, fear is a natural instinct we have to ensure our survival. It’s the instinct that triggers “fight or flight.” When Sir does something to me that invokes fear, i get that rush of adrenaline and my brain runs a million miles a second trying to figure out how i’ll get out of the mess i’m in. But then i remember, He’s my Sir and i trust Him. He’s not going to do anything to me that will permanently damage me. Most importantly, i know He’s not going to kill me. I trust Him.

Just yesterday, Sir and i were talking about some different things because we’ve been exploring the use of fear in our play. Some of my darker fantasies require Him to make me experience true fear…even if it’s just for a second. We talked about how difficult it is for me to truly “be afraid” because i do trust Him. With no warning, He grabbed the butcher knife out of the drawer and pressed it against my throat. I about shit myself because He’s never done anything like that before AND He had just said He didn’t think He could ever use weapons like that with me.

My heart jumped into my throat and for a moment. i was really scared. o i looked into His eyes and the sadistic bastard who lives in His head was the one i saw, and the fear intensified as different thoughts raced through my mind. i questioned my own sanity for ever trusting Him, but entranced by his stare, i gazed into His soul and there, deep in His brown eyes, i caught a glimpse of the man i trust with my life and i knew He wouldn’t hurt me. As i made that realization, something changed in my expression and He noticed, so He asked me, “What are you thinking about right now?”

i swallowed hard. All i could think to say was, “It’s a good thing i trust you.” He smiled and put the knife away then pulled me into His arms. With a quick kiss on the forehead and His tight embrace, i knew i was safe, but the fear had already made its impact. My heart pounded and now adrenaline pumped through my body with every beat of my heart. My breathing was quick and i was a little shaky. i could feel the rush. It scared the fuck out of me, but i felt completely safe at the same time.

Dominant Submission
For some, this may seem like a strange one to include, but not for me. Yes, i am a submissive woman, but i’m only submissive to those who earn it from me. If you met me away from anything to do with the lifestyle, you would never know this part of me. i have a very dominant personality. When i’m in a group of people, i command attention and usually end up the leader of the group. In my first marriage, i was pretty much the dominant force (Though that’s probably why it failed). i was the super bossy big sister, always kicking my little sister’s ass because she was being a brat. What changed? i don’t know. Maybe nothing. All i know is when i met Sir, i knew i wanted to be under His care and control. i wanted to give Him the gift of my submission in a way that i never thought i would ever do.

i struggle on a daily basis with my dominant tendencies. Some would say i’m a switch, but i know i’m not. Dominating someone else isn’t really enjoyable for for me, though on occasion Sir does request it. What it comes down to is the fact that sometimes i don’t want to be told what to do or how to act or what to wear. Sometimes when Sir tells i’m going to be disciplined for something, i want to fight Him on it. Sometimes, i just don’t want to give in that easily. As each day passes, my need to be in control wanes, but it’s still there…ever present in the back of my mind.

The other key to this particular dichotomy is that i ultimately have control over my own actions. i choose to do what i do whether it’s to obey Sir or not. It’s my choice and i own that. Once i understood with perfect clarity that no one else can MAKE me do anything, it changed the way i viewed submission. Sir wouldn’t be able to make me kiss His feet unless i give Him my submission, so at the end of the day, i have the power.


i know i didn’t get them all, but these are the biggies, in my opinion, and it’s definitely a start. Feel free to make any additions in the comments. I would love to hear what you think about the topic and whether or not you feel like an oxymoron. Being a submissive is sometimes crazy because of all the contradictions, but at the same time, i wouldn’t have it any other way.


8 comments on “I’m An Oxymoron!

  1. I believe there are oxymorons in any relationship, be it straight, bi, vanilla, D/s or BDSM. I also believe that this life-style manifests an even larger one. You said, you change outside when at work or with friends who are unaware of your chosen life. That is the beauty of it. You do change and bring into the relationship a loving, nurturing, willing submissiveness when you are alone.There will always be the dichotomy with our chosen life. The key, at least for me, is to bring to our table the best I am. A willing and nourishing participant in my life-style choice. A willing and nourishing supporter of my life-style partner and soul-mate, That for me is what sustains not only the relationship, but the fruition and sustaining growth of each other. Thank you for this blog today, enjoyed it very much.

    • His sweet says:

      You’re absolutely right that oxymorons exist in every relationship and i agree that this chosen lifestyle intensifies or magnifies the existence of those contradictions. In a vanilla relationship, the fears are usually centered around emotional fear. While that exists in this lifestyle, the fear for my physical safety is very predominant. One of the things i’m enjoying must about my partnership with Sir is letting go of those fears. i still have so much to learn, but with his guidance, i’m way better off than i was 6 months ago. i guess within this lifestyle, i have concrete demonstrations as to why i can trust Sir, not just His spoken word.

      Thank you so much for you’re insightful reply. i’m glad you enjoyed it.

  2. On the dominant submissive:

    Ha! This is so me. i have kicked serious ass in my life, am the dominant personality in any room, and i want my Lion to roar.

    Find a submissive who says that she has never argued over a punishment, and you will have found yourself a liar. we all do that sometimes. No one is a “perfect” submissive, and i worry that if i ever became one it would mean that i’d lost some sense of self, like a stepford wife or something. i’ve made peace with it, and so has He.

    • His sweet says:

      🙂 Yeah, Sir tells me that He doesn’t want me to change that part of me. He loves it when i fully submit, but enjoys the challenge when i’m resistant. i agree that if i lost the ability to challenge Him now and again, it would be like losing a part of myself and i don’t want that at all…neither does He. My tenacity and sarcasm are qualities that attracted Him to me in the first place, why would He want them to completely disappear? The trick is learning when it’s appropriate…right?

      • When it’s appropriate, and when it’s just going to be a little more fun. Yeah yeah, topping from the bottom, whatever… but the whole point is to enjoy ourselves, not to become mindless robot women. I’m glad you have someone who gets it!

      • His sweet says:

        The idea of “topping from the bottom” is offensive to me at times. i think you understand why based on the way you brought into your comment. Sure, it is possible to truly top from the bottom, but i would argue that most bottoms or subs aren’t. First of all, if Sir doesn’t want me to become a robot-woman and wants me to maintain my sense of self and strength, then i’m doing what pleases Him. Secondly, when you’re with someone in a lifetime relationship and the lifestyle is 24/7, the exchange is much more like a conversation. He says something and i respond, so He responds to my response and so on. It’s a back and forth.

        i rarely do anything with the sole purpose of getting what i want out it. i do it because i know it’s fulfilling to Him and He grows as a person and a Dom. Are there times i do top from the bottom? i have to say, yes, but He usually calls me on it and puts me in my place. 🙂 For someone who is in a long-term, live-in relationship, the dynamic reads a little differently which is why i feel the presence of these oxymorons.

  3. “Topping from the bottom” is, in the real world, called -being manipulative-. Actions can only be called manipulative if the other person doesn’t want to do what you’re suggesting. If i whine a little bit about a spanking, it means i might get a meaner spanking. But He wants to give me a meaner spanking anyway, He looks for excuses to do it! So i provide the excuse, and everyone wins. That is not manipulation and it’s not topping from the bottom.

    Being purposefully alluring/poorly behaved to try to get some play on a day when he is exhausted from work and just wants to watch baseball: that is topping from the bottom, and the appropriate punishment is to completely ignore it and lock her in the closet with a vibrator that has dead batteries. Very frustrating!

    We agree. It’s just fun to discuss. 🙂

    • His sweet says:

      “completely ignore it and lock her in the closet with a vibrator that has dead batteries.” Oh my gosh! I sure hope Sir doesn’t read the comments, you’ll give Him ideas! hahaha That is classic.

      It’s funny because Sir and i are on this journey together and both learning and developing along the way, so i’m always coming to Him with ideas for punishment. Why would i do that? lol

      Yes, we do agree and it is fun to discuss. I just wish more would join in! Come on folks, don’t be shy!

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