i had an experience with Sir last night and just like most of my experiences, i want to share it with you, my readers. It is a sensitive topic, so i’m not going to do my best to treat it sensitively. First i want everyone to know that i believe sexual assault is not ok. When a person is forced to do something without consent, a part of them is stolen and can never be returned. Too many women are assaulted because some asshole has a superiority complex and has to prove he’s stronger. That same asshole clearly can’t get sex through normal means, so he has to force a woman to give it to him. These things are deplorable and if any of you have ever been assaulted in such a way…I’m so sorry and this is not meant to glamorize such an ugly act.
The thing is…i have fantasized about being raped. Before you click the “x”, let me explain. Being that i’m submissive, i clearly have a desire to be dominated. There is something about being at the mercy of a strong man that makes me weak in the knees. There’s also the idea anonymity, the possibility of never seeing my assailants face. It’s all…in my perverted mind anyway…sexy. i know for a fact that if i were raped, it would devastate me, so i’m not looking for some stranger to shove me in a dark alley and take me then and there. But i can’t ignore the appeal to my submissive mind of being forced to do something that i may not really want to do. For me to experience this, i have to find a “safe” way to make my fantasy come true. The only way to really do this is through consensual non-consent and that’s basically role play. i’ve joined an online community that has the potential for role playing such a situation, but i haven’t become actively involved yet, so it hasn’t happened there. Another way to make it happen is with Sir.
Several months ago i asked Him if He would ever feel comfortable simulating forced sex with me. i knew at the time that the answer was going to be no, because we had only been together in real time for about 3 weeks. At that point, we had no idea where our relationship would go within the lifestyle, but i wanted Him to know that i trusted Him enough to try it sometime. Recently Sir has been pushing His own boundaries just as much as mine and it’s been amazing. i noticed He’s doing a lot of things an assailant might do to his victim during an, like pinning my arms and hands down using His full body weight, choking me with His hand, or covering my mouth. All of these have become elements incorporated into our day to day play, so i thought i would let Him know again about my fantasy.
i sent Him an email with my request. i said everything that i say here about having the fantasy, but knowing the real thing would devastate me, so if He is comfortable with it, i would like to experience it. i trust Him and while i know He will push, if i was ever in any real danger or psychological crisis, He will stop. When He got home from work, while dinner finished cooking, we talked about it some more. He still seemed a little concerned, perhaps hesitant, because…well it goes against everything He believes in as a man. i explained to Him that it’s because i trust Him that i feel safe giving Him this control and that i know He will never hurt me beyond what i can handle.
He still really struggled with the idea of forcing me to have sex with Him, so i said, “If it makes it easier, let’s create roles. We are actors. Let’s make it a scene.” He loves a challenge and He loves acting. He does it all the time. The man had about 5 or 6 different characters that make random appearances, so this really wouldn’t be that different. I also added, “Even though i know You won’t really be forcing me into it, i will fight, so You have to make me submit to you.”
i was about to tell Him how i wanted for it to be a surprise. i didn’t want to know when it would happen, but before i could even get the words out, He pressed His hand over my mouth and it started. I was shocked, pleased, scared…no…terrified. The intensity in His eyes and His hand didn’t just cover my mouth, it plugged my nose too, so i couldn’t breathe, but i immediately remembered, “I trust Him,” and the fear subsided…slightly. i struggled to get out from under Him and tried to fight, but He stayed true to His character and fought back.
For this particular post, i will forgo all of the details because i don’t want to seem insensitive to anyone who has been assaulted for real. It’s not a subject i take lightly at all and i want you all to know that. Our relationship is one in which Sir binds me and hits me on a regular basis because i really do ask Him to. Last night we just incorporated those elements into a scene. i know there is nothing sexy about true rape, but when your lover listens to your fantasies and makes the effort to bring that fantasy to life in a safe and controlled environment…in my opinion there is nothing sexier than that.
I do have to tell you about one thing though. It was my major contribution to the scene. As we neared the end of our role play, i threw a little wrench into the scene. I guess you could say it was my way of regaining control, so to speak.
The basic scenario that He was playing with was that i hit on him in the hotel bar. (Well not me, but my character.) i bought Him a drink and invited Him up to my room. You can imagine why the guy thought He was entitled to sex. When i was just too tired and couldn’t “fight” anymore, i gave in and submitted. Trust me, He worked for it. At this point, i admitted to Him that i really did want it all along (Again, i mean no disrespect at all. This is where i chose to take my character because i wanted the power back in her hands.) and i grabbed His head and pulled Him down so i could whisper in His ear, “What you don’t know is I have a camera hidden in here taping this.”
He said, “I don’t believe you,” as he stared into my eyes.
“You don’t have to believe me, but this will be a nice addition to my collection of hotel encounters.”
Later as we talked about it, i told Him my character goes from town to town and collects recordings of unsuspecting guys who think they have the upper hand the whole time. She labels each disk with the Hotel Name, Date, and a description of the guy. This disk would read “Oct. 23, 2012/Hotel B/Tall, dark, and handsome, but extremely cocky.”
i will admit, there were times during the scene when i wasn’t really “having fun” because the overall energy was so “real,” but i never felt like i was in any real danger which is what makes it so different from the real thing. Outside of my D/s relationship with Sir, i don’t want to experience being forced to have sex for real. I have willingly and with full consent given up all rights to my body and therefore He can, theoretically, force me to do anything he wants, anytime He wants, but i trust He won’t abuse that power. At anytime i have the right to tell Him i don’t feel safe and He will stop. That is the biggest difference between consensual and non-consensual right there.
What did i learn from this? Well, it was another brick on our wall of trust. Every experience i have with Sir makes the trust stronger and stronger. It’s amazing what can be accomplished with a trust like ours. i also learned that i don’t really fantasize about being raped by a complete stranger. i fantasize about rough sex with no boundaries, but maintaining consent the entire time. i fantasize about acting out the fantasy in a consensual manner. i want my Sir to take me and make me His, but only Him. i learned that all of the various elements we dabble in on a daily basis make excellent tools to build role play scenes and with our rich backgrounds in Theater, we really have a lot of fun creating scenarios and characters.
Today I’m going to do something a little different and leave you with some questions. Feel free to comment below and join the conversation.
What are some of your fantasies? Have you ever shared them with your Master/Sir/Dom/Lover?
If you have ever tried to act out one of your fantasies, what did you learn from the experience?