The last few days have been rough and i’ve been a total bitch. Not a brat. Not sassy. Just downright bitchy. i’m really surprised Sir put up with it for as long as He did, but then again, i know He loves me and when He sees me struggling, sometimes He wants me work through my shit. That’s where the learning process of our D/s dynamic comes in because sometimes i need to be left to deal with my emotions and sometimes i need help working through them and by help i mean a good pain session of any sort.
In the past, you’ve seen me write about His grace and mercy. i love that He is gracious when i need it, but i didn’t need that this time. i needed Him to push me over the side of the bed and beat my ass. i needed Him to remind me that He is the one in control, not me. i needed Him to assert His dominance in some way that He has never done before. Just like a little child pushing boundaries, i acted out. i mean really acted out. i’m embarrassed by my behavior and have spent some time on my knees begging His forgiveness and i’m sure i will spend more time on my knees to be reminded of my place in the relationship.
i’m so embarrassed by what i’ve done, that i struggle with putting it into words here on this blog. i want to forget it ever happened. i want to move past it and not dwell on it, yet putting it here may be just what i need to move on and perhaps sharing it with my readers will bring new perspective. Here’s what happened: In response to something that was going on, i said to Him, “i think your balls are still with your ex in Missouri.” It’s something we’ve joked about in the past, mostly because His ex was very domineering and pretty much had Him by the balls. He admits this and it’s a big reason why they are no longer married. In the context of what was going in, it wasn’t a joke and i completely called into question His masculinity and ability to act like a man.
As soon as the words came out of my mouth, i broke down in tears and wished i could take them back because i could see the hurt on His face. i apologized profusely, admitting my cruel intentions, and He graciously accepted my apology, but it wasn’t enough for me. The emotions that were plaguing me, that led me to be completely irrational and unthinking still lingered in my mind and His apology would never clear them from my brain. i needed to feel sorry. i needed pain to help me purge the crap in my head and i needed Sir to inflict that pain. Getting Him to agree to it was the hard part though. In spite of the fact that i mentioned several times that i needed to feel pain, Sir wouldn’t do it. i know it’s because He worries about me when i’m depressed and that’s an amazing quality He possesses, but i had to find some way to convey to Him i really needed it.
He went to work early this morning and my atrocious behavior continued through the morning. i was definitely behaving like a spoiled brat who wasn’t getting her way. During this process, i cried a lot and thought about ways in which i could inflict pain on myself, but really wanted it done by the loving hand of my Sir. We chatted back and forth in text and my bitchy behavior came through in some really mean and sarcastic jokes. A friend of mine told me, “Y’all need to have a good sit down talk.” i agreed and tried to figure when and how. Sir is working about 16 hours today, so it didn’t seem like anything that could happen today, but it had to happen.
i knew a good talk was in order because i have been struggling with these emotions and mood swings for the past few days and i’ve felt Sir hasn’t been there for me. (i know that’s not really the case, but it’s how i felt.) In addition to a good talk, i needed to hurt. i needed pain to clear my head and release all the crap i’ve been feeling the last few days. As I mentioned before, Sir always hesitates to hurt me when i’m in such a fragile place, but i asked for it this time. It was either Sir hurts me or i find some way to hurt myself and i don’t think that’s a good idea at all. (Ok, for those not in the lifestyle, i know this sounds crazy, but just go with me here.)
When He got home from work today, we had the much needed talk. i shared some more of what i’ve been feeling and how i know He isn’t really doing the things i perceive, but it’s how i feel and i need help getting out of the rut. He shared some of His frustration, but still maintained an attitude of understanding. i have no idea how i’m so lucky to have this Man in my life, but i have to stop doing things to sabotage it. i looked Him in the eyes and said, “Sir, i love You so much and i’ve hurt You. It kills me that the pain You feel right now is caused by something i’ve said. It hate knowing the hurt and frustration on Your face is because i was having a bad day. i’m so sorry i hurt You. It’s the last thing in the world i ever want to do.” He kissed my forehead and smiled.
“I forgive you…this time.” He paused and then said, “and I’ll probably forgive you the next time and the time after that, and the time after that…” For the first time in two days I smiled a real smile.
“Sir, i love You.”
“I love you too, sweet.”
“Sir, why do You love me? i’m such a pain and totally crazy.”
“Well, you are a pain and you are crazy,” He said and then chuckled. “But seriously, you make me want to be a better man. You challenge me to become stronger. You encourage me to accept my dominant role as the man of the house. You helped me get my balls back from my ex, but maybe that’s because you want them for yourself.” He raised His eyebrows and looked at me to catch my reaction.
I buried my face in His chest in shame, but knew He was joking, so continued with the playful banter, “I do Sir, but not that way.” He laughed and it was a relief to finally find some humor in our situation again.
We talked a little more about different things that had been bothering us. One thing i am so proud of is the fact that we aren’t afraid to communicate. Since the beginning of our relationship, we don’t keep secrets of any kind. We believe that things are a lot easier to deal with up front than if we wait for them to come out on their own. We both believe open communication the key to keeping things healthy and in the time we’ve been together, it has helped limit our misunderstandings.
i told Him again that i needed to feel pain because i needed something to help me dump the abundance of emotions and crap swirling around in my head. Again He voiced His concern with me being able to “take it.” I explained it didn’t have to be punishment like a spanking, but i needed pain in some form to release. Then, for the first time since He used His belt on me, He surprised me. He kissed my neck, down to my chest and then opened his mouth and bit me. He didn’t nip at me or suck on me. He really bit me…hard. As i write this, the marks are fading a bit, but the soreness is still there and i like it. He only bit me twice, once above each breast, but it hurt like hell, causing me to cry out. i can honestly say that i hope He will do it again. Experiencing His primal side was intoxicating.
By taking a primal approach, it not only introduced a new aspect to our play, but it was fitting, and put me in my place reminding me who is in charge in our relationship. The biting wasn’t the only thing that asserted His dominance. As He fucked me, He smacked me around a little bit reminding me where i came from and the shape i was in when i came to Him. For some, the way He treated me may appear insensitive, or demeaning, but it’s what i needed and it felt good, but i begged for more. i asked Him to use His belt and spank me. He quickly moved off me and got His belt. When i was slow to get into position, He whipped at my legs and tummy, “Are you going to take position or am I going to just hit what’s available to me?” It felt amazing to have Him ready to give me what i needed…what i deserved.
I moved into position over the edge of the bed with my ass in plain view and ready for Him to do as He pleased. The belt came down firmly on my ass a few times, not too hard, but hard enough to sting. By the 5th or 6th strike, He hit me much harder and i could feel the tension and frustration lifting away. It hurt so bad, but it felt so good at the same time. I’m not sure how many times He hit me because i wasn’t counting and He wasn’t using full power, so it was pain i easily tolerated. He asked, “Do you like that?” as He brought the belt down again.
“Then why haven’t you thanked me for it yet?” And He brought the belt down on my ass again, a little harder this time.
“Thank You, Sir! Thank You!”
“That’s what I wanted to hear.” He put the belt next to me on the bed and caressed my bare ass spreading the cheeks. He pressed His cock against my cheeks and moved it around finding the slick opening of my puss and slipped His cock in pressing deep and hard. I re-positioned to allow Him easier access, but this wasn’t meant to be a pleasurable experience for me. He was preparing for something else. After a few thrusts, getting Himself wet with my juices, He moved His cock to my ass. Pressing the tip against my tight little hole, He didn’t hesitate and take His time like He normally would. Like i said, it wasn’t meant to be pleasurable for me. It didn’t take long, He went in easy and it didn’t hurt much until He started thrusting in and out.
Initially it felt good and i reacted immediately. “Oh, Sir…yes…oh yes.” It felt good, but edged right along uncomfortable and then it actually hurt a little. “Oh…ow Sir, that hurts.” i wanted to let Him know it was hurting.
“Sweet, it’s supposed to hurt. It’s what you wanted, right?” And He kept pressing His pelvis into my ass, thrusting in and out of me.
“Yes, Sir. Thank You, Sir.” Since it wasn’t completely unbearable, i closed my eyes and let Him have my ass the way He wanted, hurting or not. Strangely, through the pain, i felt so much relief and enjoyed it as He asserted His dominance over me.
It must have become uncomfortable for Him though because He did get the lube eventually. It made a big difference for me and the only pain i felt was slight discomfort when He pressed Himself as deep as He could go. All i can say is any discomfort or minor pain i felt was what i needed to let go of the crap i had been feeling. i begged for Him to cum in my ass because i wasn’t worthy to have Him cum in my pussy since i behaved the way i did and His cock felt so good as He stretched my ass and pounded it as deep and hard as He could. When He got close, His rhythm picked up and His moans turned to deep groans. With a final, animalistic growl and hard thrust into my ass, He shot His load into my useless hole. His pleasure emanated off of Him and my heart beat as i relished in the fact that i brought pleasure to Sir as well as managed to release many of the negative emotions that were polluting my mind and causing stress on our relationship.
The entire experience, though slightly uncomfortable during some parts and downright painful in others, really taught me something about myself. Maybe i’m a nutcase, but i don’t think i’m the only one and i need pain to help me process built up emotion. Knowing this and understanding it tells me that Sir and i need to come up with a plan to allow me to purge on a regular basis. It doesn’t have to be spanking or even disciplinary in nature. It can be any kind of pain because it’s the pain that help. I would love for Sir to bite me more often because the experience was phenomenal and not only gave me the release i needed, but it also reminded me that He’s the Man, the Alpha, and the one in charge.
i hate that i was acting like a child and chose to act out instead of just ask Him for what i needed. We haven’t been together that long and it’s still a part of our learning process. i’ve never been in a relationship quite like this, so i don’t know how to go about asking for these kinds of things. Sir is new to it all as well, so He’s still learning to read the differences in the times when i need His grace vs. the times when i need His “wrath.” I think we both learned a lot from this experience and tonight when we go out to the country to watch the meteor shower, i’m sure we will talk about it all. i know it will get easier with communication and experience and love that i am a part of this process with Him.