or weeks or months or years.
Have you ever had “just one of those days?” I’m sure the answer is yes because if you’re alive, then you have. No one’s life is perfect. It can’t be. The only way for life to be perfect is if one had complete control of everything around them and last time I checked, God is the only one with that power. I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately with my own personal demons. I told Sir yesterday that my mood swings are driving me crazy. They’re giving me whiplash.
I know there are different causes to mood swings and I’m pretty sure that one can be ruled out, so I’m not going “there.” I have struggled in the past with pretty severe depression and anxiety. In fact, the way I feel now doesn’t hold a candle to how I felt a year ago, but that’s part of the problem I think. Sure I’m doing better, but am I pushing myself too fast? Why am I so freaked out and why the heck can’t I get control of it? I know these feelings of sadness, lack of control, loss of motivation, etc. I’ve had them before and I ended up spending a year practically locked in my bedroom. Going to the grocery store used to send me into panic attacks, so I quit going. I lost my job and my family grew tired of my lack of involvement. (I have no kids, so it was mostly my ex-husband, my mom, sister, etc.) I was a mess and I may as well have been dead because I sure wasn’t living.
When I told my ex I wanted a divorce, things started changing. I took control of my life and it felt good. When I got my summer job and came to be with Sir, things got even better. I discovered that Sir was much more effective at keeping me calm than any anti-anxiety med I ever took. Life was good. I loved my Sir and I loved my summer job. Summer ended and I had no more work, but I was still doing really well. I was excited about living with Sir and keeping His house clean, cooking, you know all that domestic stuff. This situation afforded me an amazing opportunity to dedicate myself to serving Sir the way I know He deserves. I love it. Except for when I don’t.
It’s just us and He works nearly 60 hours a week, so there’s hardly a mess to clean up. It’s nice because I do keep it picked up everyday which makes for easy cleaning, but I’m usually done in 10 to 15 minutes unless it’s a “deep clean” day. I’ve started writing more, which is great. I read a lot online. I need to start reading more books though. I watch some TV, but ultimately I find myself bored. When I’m bored I get depressed and when I’m depressed, my anxiety starts to kick in. Ok…this is good. I’m making progress.
Now that I’ve realized boredom is a part of the issue, I need to find things to do to alleviate that boredom. I could start working out…that would benefit me a lot, but I’m not going to work out the entire day. My mom suggested I volunteer at a senior center or something. That is something I will definitely consider doing, but right now is not the time. My anxiety is kicking my ass at the moment. Perhaps if I write out a daily schedule. That will give me a sense of control and keep things very neatly organized. I’m all about being flexible, but there’s something about a checklist and if I have a checklist with a schedule, I’ll feel as if I’ve accomplished something.
This is all great, but it doesn’t solve my current problem at hand. If I just bite the bullet and do what I “have to” then there’s always the possibility I have a panic attack and make a fool of myself. If I don’t do it, then I’ve given in and let my head win. Ugh!
Welcome to my head…it can be fun, but with the fun comes the occasional day of self-loathing and frustration.