Zen + Intimacy = Zentimacy

Yesterday, i sat down with every intention of writing an emotionally charged, thought provoking post about intimacy and its varying levels. Instead, i rambled on…blah blah blah…and couldn’t make any sense of my writing. Perhaps i will go back sometime and look over it, do some editing, and it will be posted. But, for now, i’m just going to try again. Intimacy isn’t an easy thing to describe. We all know what it is and some of us have probably experienced intimacy, but how many of us can talk about it?
There are two major types of intimacy: physical and emotional. What i’ve discovered is physical intimacy is the easiest to achieve because, in most cases, it doesn’t require anything except two people at the right time, in the right moment, who want to get physical. Emotional intimacy requires so much more than a willingness to get close to someone. (Ugh…here i go again, rambling.) Let me see if i can break it down so i can understand it better and then maybe you will as well.

Physical intimacy generally means having sex with someone and during sex, while you are revealing a part of yourself which not everyone gets to see; it doesn’t take much effort from either party, especially with the lights off. Under the right circumstances, it’s fairly easy for most people to be physically intimate with someone. It may require some trust, but in all reality, it’s not quite the same as stripping down your soul like emotional intimacy.

When it comes to being emotionally naked, you make yourself vulnerable and that requires trust. There’s no leaving the lights on and there’s no hiding under a blanket. You can’t close your eyes and pretend to be somewhere else and with someone else. It takes an enormous amount of trust to open yourself up and let someone else into your mind…your heart. Making yourself emotionally vulnerable means you open yourself up to a person who could eventually take what they know about you and turn around running it straight through your heart. That leads me to this thought: The risk you take when you open up to someone is worth the reward of love and understanding in the end.

A wise Man once told me (ok it was Sir), “Would it really be love without the risk?” i’ve taken those words to heart and He is so right. i mean i look back at my failed marriage and there really wasn’t much risk there at all. It was a very safe marriage. The thing is, i know firsthand that when you play it safe, the return isn’t as great. Things grew dull very quickly and then i started looking for the excitement elsewhere. Don’t misunderstand, i didn’t cheat and neither did he. We were in an open/polyamorous relationship. There was something lacking there and i never knew what it was until i met Sir online. Even before W/we started exploring D/s and BDSM together, i knew i found someone with whom i could take risks. i trusted Sir, early on, and opened up to Him in a way that i have never opened up to anyone, not even the man i to whom i was married for 17 years. In return, He did the same with me.

The beautiful thing about Sir and me is we started off as friends. We had no intention of anything more than friendship and that built a wonderful foundation of trust that allowed us to be completely transparent with one another. From the very beginning we always had a “no nevermind” rule. That just meant that no matter what, we couldn’t say “nevermind” as an out. With that, our foundation of complete honesty and full disclosure was built. It is through this foundation that we have been able to experience true intimacy…an intimacy that goes far beyond just physical and emotional. It’s an intimacy that is all encompassing of the two and it’s something that is nearly impossible to describe, but once you experience it, you know it. i wish there was a word that describes this type of intimacy…the best i could come up with is “Zentimacy.” (Corny…i know, but i couldn’t help it. :p ) i mean really…it’s like being totally Zen and intimate at the same time, so i think it works.

Through this new found trust and deep intimacy, i have been able to explore parts of myself that i never knew existed. My curiosity about D/s and BDSM became more than mere fantasies because i was able to open up and share with Sir my desires about them. He was able to talk to me about His reservations because it was something so different and completely apart from what He had experienced in His prior marriage. O/our ability to talk about everything makes it easy for U/us to explore O/our boundaries and push beyond them. To this day, W/we always talk about a scene or experience afterwards. It’s such an important part of who W/we are and a key part to how W/we grow and learn in our sexuality. i want to know what He liked or didn’t like or if there is anything i can do better or different next time. He wants to know what really pushed me or if it pushed me too far. Because of this trust, i can see a huge difference in where W/we are today in our relationship vs. where we were a year ago.

Even more than the sex is O/our ability to connect on a level that transcends the physical world. It’s strange because W/we don’t have to have sex to become physically aroused or satisfied. On more than one occasion, W/we have simply laid in bed naked, holding each other tight…skin to skin, and connecting. The same tingle and warmth that i feel when W/we have sex radiates throughout my body and usually with a simple look or command from Sir, i climax without as much as a touch. It’s the most amazing feeling and when you can experience that connection coupled with sex…holy crap, watch out because that’s when you see fireworks and i’m not exaggerating. i love our D/s relationship and the BDSM we share together, but the most intense orgasm i have had to date is during a moment like this. It was only enhanced by watching Sir and gazing into His eyes as He too reached His peak and plummeted over. The energy coursing through our bodies seemed to transfer from one to the other. It was unreal, yet i was experiencing it.

There you have it. As far as intimacy goes, i’m pretty much ruined because i’ve connected with Sir on a level that i’m certain i will not connect with anyone else, or maybe i don’t want to connect with anyone else. Only time will tell, i suppose, and whether or not W/we invite a third partner into our lives. But maybe, just maybe, i don’t want to connect with anyone else on this level because right now, it’s something special i have with Sir and i may just want to keep it that way. 😉


3 comments on “Zen + Intimacy = Zentimacy

  1. kekacole says:

    Wow. great take on intimacy. For a while my husband I struggled with this part of our marriage. As we neared the topic of divorce it was like being snatched back from the edge of a cliff.

    We learned to trust each other and and intimacy came right after. I tell our story for people to see that love and intimacy can be achieved even it seems the light has gone out in the marriage/relationship. It just took me a little longer to realize that.


    • His sweet says:

      Thank you so much for your comment!

      Sadly for me, i wasn’t able to save my first marriage as you’ve seen in this post. i have taken so much from my experience with a failed marriage and now know what to focus on and what not to do.

      Marriages/relationships like mine end up failing because one or both partners has given up. As long as both are willing to do what it takes, there is still hope. i’m so happy you were able to find true intimacy and make it work.

      • kekacole says:

        Yea I count myself in the number of the lucky. It was rough there for awhile as you see in my blog. I’ll definitely be checking back!

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