i am not perfect and therefore will make mistakes. i can strive for perfection, but must realize that because i am human, i will always fall short. As much as i love Sir, i still disappoint Him and i hate that. Sometimes my selfish desires take over and i don’t have the patience to wait for His word, so i do something anyway either without asking or in anticipation of His “yes.” i must remember that it’s rude and disrespectful to Him and His role as my Sir to do so. i willingly gave up the right to my body. It belongs to Him in every way and if i want to play with it, i must ask. How hard is that? He has never told me no, so i shouldn’t fear that. In fact, He may begin saying no because i have betrayed Him so many times in this regard. my body is not my own anymore and i should not use it for my own pleasure without asking first.
The problem occurs when i am home alone all day and my thoughts are filled with Him and all that i can do to make Him happy. Just thinking of pleasing Him in anyway makes me tingle and feel the need for release. i am so erotically charged when it comes to my acts of service for Him, no matter how big or how small. i am a willing servant, ready for His every request and willing to do anything that is asked of me. i don’t understand how doing something as simple as writing this blog can make me tingle at my core, but it does. That leads to the desire of pleasuring myself and since Sir only sees His messages 3 times a day, i have been known to take matters into my own hands without first asking Him if it’s ok to do so.
It never donned on me the levity of such an infraction on a simple rule. (And yes, it is one of our rules to be written in our contract. i am not allowed to pleasure myself without being granted His permission to do so.) i never looked at it from the perspective that my body is His for His pleasure and when i take pleasure in myself, i should ask first because He may not want me to play with His property. Why didn’t i understand this before? i can say without question that i get it now.
Let me explain what happened that led to this epiphany. The other day i was really horny, which is a fairly regular occurrence, and i needed release. i thought about texting Sir to ask His permission, but thought to myself, “i can just do it. He doesn’t have to even know,” and i did it. i only ever think about Him (He’s all i need to think about because He is freakin’ amazing!) so i really didn’t understand the problem with it. i got my release and pretty much forgot about it. Well the next day, same thing, only this time i didn’t even think about texting Him, i just did it. Both times were amazing as far as masturbation goes, but after the second time, i felt guilty. Sir and i don’t keep secrets. EVER. As minor as this may seem, it’s still a secret and i couldn’t keep it from Him anymore.
Before bed, He called on me to pleasure Him, and as He entered me i felt i must confess my transgression to Him. His response was much as i expected. Disappointment clouded His features as He questioned my motives. He then contemplated my punishment out loud. Would it be 5 lashes with the belt? The pet bed for the night? Ice play, which I love, but hate having to sleep in the wet spot? Would he tie me up and pleasure Himself while forcing me to watch and not be able to touch Him or myself? He carefully watched my expression as He continued thrusting in and out of me. At this point, i wasn’t enjoying anything really and He truly was using me as a hole for His pleasure. i was ok with it and would never ask Him to stop, but was terrified of what He might choose as my punishment. Of my options, i would choose the belt or the wet spot, but that is not what He chose.
He chose to keep pleasuring Himself, but right before his climax, He pulled out and finished Himself off. You see, i have this thing about Sir cumming inside of me. i love it and it makes me feel like less of an object. It’s hard to explain but in a way, it makes me feel closer to Him, like He’s given a part of Himself to me. Now that He knows how i feel about that, He considers it a privilege for me to get His cum, so if i’ve been disobedient, He sometimes withholds it as punishment. When He doesn’t cum inside of me, no matter how great the sex or intense the orgasm i have, i am left wanting and feel unfulfilled. i just laid there in bed, disappointed, and feeling used. As I lay in my self-loathing for the moment, He ordered, “Clean Me up.”
i know what He wanted and that was for me to lick Him clean, but i asked, “with my tongue or a wash cloth, Sir?”
He looked at me and said, “you may get a wash cloth.”
I said, “Sir, i will lick You clean if it’s what You desire.”
“sweet, i know You don’t really want to, so go get a wash cloth and clean Me up.”
Part of me wishes that He would have made me lick Him clean even though i really didn’t want to. i would have done it because He requested it of me and i would have liked it because of that fact as well. i was being a brat and pouting because i hadn’t gotten my way, but i will say this, i was definitely put in my place. i was made to realize that i am His, completely. i asked for this and He is granting it to me, so i need to hold up my end of the agreement and follow His rules. Had He made me clean Him with my tongue, i probably would have felt more fulfilled, just in a different way. As it was, He was very concerned for me being so upset since Sir is incredibly sweet and in tune with my emotions. I told Him, “Sir, i’ve been punished. Am i not allowed to be a little upset and perhaps even pout?”
He chuckled slightly and said, “Yes, I suppose you are.”
After a kiss and a hug, to communicate all was forgiven; we rolled over and went to sleep. I was still pouting a little, but knew what He did was out of love and commitment to our agreed upon exchange of power. It was definitely a hard lesson to learn, but i needed to learn it and now i will always ask Sir before taking pleasure from “His” body.